


Best of You

by AverageFangirl220



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional, Fluff, M/M, Sad Ending, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26290378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AverageFangirl220/pseuds/AverageFangirl220
Summary: Chan is just a college student. Just an almost-graduate college student. Unlike his brother, he isn't good at much. What he is good as, is the little habit he picked up when their mom passed away; calling the cancer ward and trying talking to a complete stranger in an attempt to cheer them up. Not once was he connected to the same patient.Until the day that he is.Seungcheol is a patient at the same ward Chan constantly calls. When they're connected a second time, he is the one that does the cheering up and that is how their routine starts. Their phone calls which turn into visits which ultimately turn into adventures.But Seungcheol won't be around forever. And they know that, so they make every day last. When things take a terrible turn, it puts Chan in a position to face things he never thought he would be facing and he needs to make a decision before its too late.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Lee Chan | Dino, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Comments: 48
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at extra tags, it's the first time I'm doing them in any of my stories (I think) so forgive me. Otherwise, enjoy!

The little girl’s laugh booms through the speaker of the phone. As soon as she’s finished, she falls into a fit of coughs so concerning, he stops himself from saying anything further. The joke was a mere dad joke; definitely not fitting for a laugh so hard and yet he can’t help but say that he’s pleased. Her little voice follows a second later. “This was fun,” she chirps and from the tone of his voice, he can tell that she means it. 

“I’m glad,” he says, eyes following his brother who walks in. He takes off his shoes at the entrance of their little apartment and disappears into the kitchen. Chan’s gaze flickers back to the television in front of him, smiling at the blank screen. 

“I have to go, Mister, but thank you!” the girl chirps again. Chan hadn’t caught her name, but he doesn’t think it matters. He made her smile on an awfully rough day (according to the nurses. She had just been taken to the emergency room and was diagnosed with brain cancer. She’s only eight.) He was glad that he could cheer her up. 

“Keep that smile, okay?” She hums pleasantly in response before the line cuts off and he's met with the familiar  _ beep _ of the phone. Putting down the phone, he jumps up from the couch and walks into the kitchen where Jihoon sits at the counter, hands curled around a cup of what he could only assume is coffee (because forbid he ever drinks something else.) With a peak, he notes nothing of interest in the packets; just the usual groceries. Jihoon shoots him a look which has Chan frowning.

“I told you I could get them,” he says. He starts packing it all away.

“And I told you not to worry,” Jihoon replies in the crisp tone of finality his voice always held. With him, you could never be sure whether a conversation was still ongoing or whether he’d brought an end to it. Not unless you really knew him. “You can get it next month, alright?”

Reluctantly, Chan nods. He starts folding the empty packets and stashing them into the broom cupboard before he turns around. “Did you take anything out for supper?” He catches the shake of his brother’s head and can’t help the way his mouth pulls up at the corners. “So we can get take-out?”

This time, it’s Jihoon who smiles.

An hour later, they’re on the couch and watching  _ The Avengers  _ (because Jihoon insisted) when their doorbell rings. Chan doesn’t bother getting up. They ordered from the pizza place Jihoon’s boyfriend worked at so he knew who it was. They did this often considering it was the easiest way. The two had conflicting schedules so often pizza would be ordered the last few minutes of his boyfriend’s shift. The manager apparently didn’t mind. 

Minghao walks in looking like sunshine. “Hey, Chan,” he greets as he shuts the door behind him and pulls off his pizza delivery hat. He disappears into the kitchen and there’s the familiar clatter of kitchenware before he returns carrying three plates, the box of pizza and balancing the serviettes on top. Jihoon follows behind, fretting as he tries to take something and help, but Minghao is as persistent as ever and he waits until Jihoon has sat down before he puts everything down. 

“So, who was it today?” Minghao queries as he passes a plate to each of them. Minghao entered Jihoon’s life around the time their mom first got sick which meant that he was there for everything; from the hospital trips to picking Chan up and heading over together right down to her last breaths. So, he was there when Chan started making the phone calls. He called it a coping mechanism the first three months. Three years later, he calls it sweet. 

“A little girl,” Chan replies. “I didn’t catch her name, but she laughed,” he informs, lips pulling back into a smile. Sometimes he couldn’t help but smile. He loved being able to make others smile.

“You told another dad joke, didn’t you?” Despite the question, Jihoon shot him a knowing look. Chan nudges him and they’re laughing. Once they’ve dished for themselves, they continue with the movie (Minghao makes a joke about how it was another  _ Avengers  _ movie, but he and Jihoon knew better. Minghao teased, but he loved it just as much. More so when he found out that Jihoon loved it too.) 

Minghao stays over. He takes the shower first which leaves Jihoon and Chan alone again. A silence looms over them, comfortable but tight and stiffening. Neither of them say anything, but Chan leans into his brother until his head touches his shoulder and he closes his eyes. 

“I’m nervous,” he admits, his voice quaking.

Jihoon is silent. He never talks immediately. He was the sort to think before he jumped to say anything. Chan can practically hear the way his lips part.

“Nervous for what?”

“It’s my final year — ”

“I mean, nervous for what, because you’ll do great.” Jihoon pauses, so he waits for what will be said next. In the silence, he can hear the shifting in the bathroom as Minghao moves around. A sigh is released and then Jihoon continues. “Mom would be proud,” he whispers.”

And Chan wonders if she would.


	2. Chapter 2

He gets home from his last class, muscles aching. He's a dance major. A dance major who somehow forgot to stretch before his choreography class. At least he had been prepared unlike one of his class-friends, Jimin, who forgot to bring the correct attire. He hated not being allowed to participate in any dances so he borrowed a t-shirt from Chan and a pair of pants from Hyunjin (though he was the oldest, he was the shortest and managed to make it fit.)

He slumps onto the couch as his hand stretches out for the phone. Speed dial 1. The nurse answers and few words are exchanged before his call is redirected to one of the rooms. It rings a few times. When Chan is almost ready to hang up and try again later in the hopes of finding being redirected to someone who will pick up, the ringing stops and he can hear the soft sound of breathing on the other line. He doesn't say anything. From past experiences, he's learned to wait until the person on the other line has spoken first. It used to freak out some patients when he spoke first and they had no idea who he was, but if you let them speak first, it creates the imagery that they were the ones who started this.

"Hello?" Surprise twists through him at the sound of the voice. A male (though he wouldn't just assume), who sounded older than he had been expecting. Given the last calls he's had with kids, he had been expecting another kid. Another dad joke prepared for it. He wasn't sure that would suffice for this person who sounded serious.

"Hello," Chan greets cheerily for lack of better words. Not wanting the silence to seize them up, he doesn't stop there. "How are you today?" (He asked this sometimes. When the patients were reluctant to talk. They would tell him they felt crappy and Chan would tell them he could change that with a little joke. It usually went well. Hardly ever did the routine change.)

"I'm doing alright, thank you for asking," the person says politely. His voice is soft. Warm and honey dripped. If Chan were asked to describe it, that was what he would say. Hold a gun to his head and he'd still say warm, honey dripped. To his surprise, the person continues. "And how are you?"

How was he? How was _he_?

He stammers for a response. The moment the question was asked, his mind went blank. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't _think_. Hell, he didn't know the answer to that. How could he answer that when he didn't even _know_ how to answer it?

"Fine," he says after a passing moment. He swallows the lump and clears his throat. "I'm doing just fine."

"Well, that is good to hear," the person replies. Chan's gaze flickers up to the bedroom door as it creaks open and Minghao steps out. Their gazes lock and Minghao smiles apologetically before tiptoeing over to the bathroom. He almost forgets that he's on the phone as he listens quietly to the other person's breathing. Then, realizing himself, he sits up as if the patient could see him.

"Yeah," he murmurs. "So, do you think–"

"I should go."

His eyebrows lift in surprise. Then, he composes himself. "Right. Yes, of course."

Before anything else can be said, the call ends and Chan is left listening to the beep tone. He only thinks to put down the phone when Minghao walks back in and takes a seat beside him.

"I didn't know you were still here," he says when Minghao stays silent. He tugs at a strand of his hair, lips curving into a sheepish smile.

"I don't have a shift today," he explains. "I was going to cover Seokmin's shift but they called this morning to say I didn't have to." He leans back, eyes flickering over Chan's face. "So, who was it today?" As long as he's known, Minghao would ask who the caller was. Every day that he could, he made sure to ask. While he never understood why, he never tried to ask.

"I never caught his name," Chan says with a sigh, a little more disappointed with himself than he would care to admit. He straightens up almost immediately, forehead creasing in thought as he says, "Though I didn't even get to tell him anything."

Minghao's brows lift, but he doesn't say anything. He waits for Chan to explain.

"He answered on the last ring and I was going to do my usual routine, but when I asked him how he was, he said he's _alright_." The disbelief in his voice resounds, bouncing against the walls of the apartment and he shudders as though a breeze has gone by. Minghao eyes him carefully for a moment before he too straightens himself.

"That's not what you expected," he notes aloud. Which has Chan feeling even worse. It's horrible, to say the least, because it's true. He hadn't been expecting someone to reply the way that that guy had. He expected anything but positive replies. It's usually how it went, afterall. They connected him to someone that _wasn't_ doing alright. And yet he was connected to someone who _was_.

"No, because that's not how it goes. I'm connected to someone who _isn't_ alright and I ask them how they are, they tell me that they're crappy and I _cheer them up_ ," he exclaims, his voice going a little louder with each word as he emphasizes the last three words. "And then he goes and asks me how _I_ am and—"

"And you're completely thrown off."

And he's completely thrown off. He could barely answer the guy when he asked and when he did, their conversation came to an end.

"Yeah," he admits quietly. "I couldn't answer him. I did, because I had to, but I almost didn't answer him," he mumbles, slumping back into the couch. His gaze flickers over to Minghao who whips out his phone. Crossing his arms over his chest, he turns to the television. "What are you doing?"

"Messaging Jihoon. Told him to get take-out on his way." He puts his phone on the table and picks up the remote. "You seem like you need it."

"I'll gain weight."

"What's so wrong about that?"

"I'm a dance major," Chan reminds. "I shouldn't be gaining weight."

"It's natural to gain weight. You're always going to be picking up or losing weight"

"But I can control it, so I should."

Minghao rolls his eyes. "Fine, fine. How about tonight you get take-out and tomorrow you can watch what you eat."

Chan takes it into consideration. He figures Jihoon is already heading over to whichever place he was getting supper which means his canceling would most likely inconvenience him. "Sounds good," he says.

Jihoon is home two hours later, take-away packets clasped in his hands and hair dripping wet. Minghao is up in a flash, fetching a towel from the bathroom while Chan takes the packages to the kitchen. He can hear Minghao worrying over Jihoon who, with every other sentence, insists that he's fine.

"What happened, hyung?" Chan asks as he returns to the living room, putting down the plates, an unpacked dish on each one. Jihoon went to the Chicken place down the road from his work; they each had a specific order which never changed no matter how many times they went. The packets had been dripping and when Chan looked, his brother was already changed, but still shivering. Their gazes meet and Jihoon shrugs.

"The rain came out of nowhere. I hadn't taken an umbrella," he explains, taking a seat between Minghao and Chan. "What are we watching?"

With that, the topic is averted and Chan is grinning. " _Step up_."

Minghao is asleep by the end of the movie, his head resting on Jihoon's lap and the blue blanket covering half his body.

Chan starts clearing up when Jihoon asks him how his day went. He stops mid-action. Hands gripping the plates firmly. When he looks at Jihoon, he tries to play it off with a smile, but not even he buys it.

"Awful," he admits. "I got my written work back."

"How did you do?" He can hear Jihoon from the kitchen as he washes off their plates. His shoulders stiffen at the question.

"Failed."

He wonders if Jihoon is disappointed. For as long as he could remember, it was Jihoon who practically raised him. Who helped him with his work when he was struggling. Hell, it was Jihoon who helped him when he got stuck with his choreography assignment last year (and he passed.) He wouldn't put it past his brother to be disappointed.

"You'll do better next time."

He turns around in surprise. His brother stands in front of him, dark hair falling into his eyes. Eyes twinkling with an unmistakable certainty as he looked up at Chan, lips curving at the corners. He resembled a Cheshire cat.

Chan returns it with one of his own. "I will."

Though when they've set up for bed and after Chan helps wake Minghao, he trails off to his room almost mindlessly. For whatever reason, his mind was still stuck on the conversation over the phone hours ago.


	3. Chapter 3

Class is twice as awful as the day before. He finds out that there's a retake for the written assignment he failed _and_ for their choreography assignment, they would be put in sets of four. As hard as he hoped and prayed he;d be paired with his friends, he ended up with Hyunjin and two people he hardly ever spoke to. Hyunjin got acquainted easily enough and with that, introduced him to Ungjae (a guy with messy brown hair and more piercings in his ears than Chan himself had) and Gun Hak (who went by the name Leedo and had a really deep voice.) They were both pretty nice people and by the end of their class, the four had come up with an idea for the song they would perform, their practice times which worked its way around their own schedules and had exchanged numbers.

They're on the steps of the university building. The rain doesn't look like it'll be letting up soon and truthfully, Chan wonders whether he should call his brother or try and make a run of the station. Any way that would keep him dry.

"You guys want a lift?" It's Jimin. He's just walked out of the building, his boyfriend Yoongi (a music major) a step behind. Hyunjin accepts the offer in a heartbeat, walking over to Yoongi who greets him politely. Jimin looks at Chan who, after a thoughtful moment, accepts the offer as well. They run down the steps and slide into Yoongi's car quickly enough. Chan pulls out his phone and messages Jihoon to let him know. Yoongi asks him something, but he doesn't hear as he pulls up Minghao's contact to relay the message as well.

He jolts, Hyunjin having nudged him in the side when he doesn't respond immediately. "Excuse me?" He squeaks.

Yoongi meets his gaze in the rearview mirror before he looks back to the road. "I asked for your address," he states.

"Oh." He prepares to relay it when his phone goes off. It's Minghao asking him if he could head to Jihoon's workplace. He relays that address instead.

The rest of the drive is silent aside from the music and soft chatter between Jimin and Yoongi. Hyunjin and him eventually start up a conversation with a comment he makes only for them to pull up in front of the building Jihoon works at. With a quick thank you and goodbye, he jumps out and hurries up the steps, the rain still going hard.

The reception greeted him with a smile and let him through without a word (he spent a lot of time here when he took a year off before he applied to the university he was at.) He takes the elevator up to the third floor and it's different than he remembered. Somehow it's bigger. The walls have changed, now decorated according to whichever theme each side had. One wall was covered with various artists that have are well respected and have influenced the music industry into what it is now while another was covered with each person that worked here. He makes his way down the hallway right to the end. The door had the name _Woozi_ on it and Chan smiled. Knocking twice, he opens the door in time to catch Jihoon whip around in his seat.

"Channie?" His eyes are wide with surprise, headphones hanging around his neck and mouth forming an 'o' shape. It's clear he hasn't looked at his phone yet.

"Hey, hyung." Chan closes the door behind him and takes the seat beside Jihoon. He eyes the music sheets and pages with his handwriting, words and lines scratched out and replaced. He looks up at Jihoon and smiles. "I got a lift. Thought I'd come through to you and we could head home together."

Jihoon rolls his eyes. "Minghao asked you to come, didn't he?"

"Maybe."

Jihoon sighs, but there's a hint of a smile as he nods. "Alright, just give me ten minutes."

He nods, standing up and informing Jihoon that he would wait downstairs. Pulling out his phone, he punches in the number and presses the phone to his ear. The nurse greets him in seconds and his call is redirected. He passes one or two staff on his way down and a few artists that greet him as he walks into the cafe section. The place was filled with everything their artists may need. From the dance studios right down to mini shopping centers in the building. When he was younger, he used to go to the merchandise section and look for Jihoon's album. His brother would just smile and take him over to the cafe area and buy him waffles or actual food.

He sits down at a table right as someone picks up. " _Hello_."

A sharp intake of breath has him coughing. He scurries for the bottle of water in his bag, surprise still dancing sharply within him because this has never happened before. In all his years of doing this, he's never been redirected to the same person. It was _always_ someone different.

"Hey," Chan says, having finally composed himself. He keeps his hand over his mouth. "It's you again," he adds a moment later. When the person speaks again, he can hear their surprise.

" _That it is_ ," he says in a lilt. Despite the rain, this person's voice is still warm. Gentle. Softer than Chan would have expected of someone. He sounded like the sort of person who never got mad, and when he did, he didn't get mad the way others would get mad. Soft explanations and little to no yelling. " _What can I do for you?_ "

Before he can stop himself, the words are falling off his tongue. "You can tell me what the deal is."

" _The deal?_ " he asks and then he does something Chan definitely does not expect. He chuckles. It's softer than his voice. Lighter than air. It was the sort of chuckle you expect to turn into a belly aching laugh. " _I don't know what you're talking about._ "

He wants to be annoyed, but he can't. For whatever reason beyond him, he can't be annoyed with the fact that while he's being serious, this guy's laughing. Instead, he takes two deep breaths before responding. "The deal," Chan says simply. He knows that's not enough but it should be enough. Nevertheless, he continues. "When I call, they connect me to someone who _isn't_ alright and yet somehow, this is the second time I'm being connected to you."

The person hums, as if taking this into consideration. Chan wonders if he's actually considering or whether he's pretending.

" _There is no deal_ ," he answers. " _I'm doing alright, but they think that I'm not_ ," he goes on to explain, his voice going down into a whisper with each word.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he can't help but ask, "Why would they think that you're not?"

There's a brief silence between them. Though as brief as it is, it feels exceptionally long. Neither of them utter a word and every possibility goes through his head. He tries to predict what the person will say next and really, he expects the worst.

" _I'm not doing chemotherapy._ "

And he draws in a breath.

And _fuck_.

Fuck because he didn't expect that. And fuck because if his mom had told them that, he'd have been upset. He'd have cried his eyes out and been mad and told Jihoon to convince her to do it.

"Why?"

" _Does it matter?_ "

"It could matter," he says, and he means it. "It could matter because it could save you—"

" _You sound like them_ ," he interrupts. " _What's your name?_ "

"Chan."

Another silence follows. The person sighs in what he assumes is exasperation. " _I have to go. Nice talking to you, Chan._ "

"Wait—"

" _Seungcheol. That's my name_."

The line cuts and he's listening to the beeping sound when Jihoon finally comes downstairs. Without saying a word, Chan follows him out and they catch a cab. 


	4. Chapter 4

Hyunjin phones to say he can't make it to practice and right after, Leedo messages to say he has to cover someone else's shift. Ungjae assures them that it's alright and they could practice another day, so Chan is off for the day. Meaning that he gets to sleep in, which he does. Or at least, the closest to sleep in he could possibly achieve. It's after eleven when he climbs out of bed.

There is a sticky note on the fridge of a list of things they need. Spotting milk on the list, he disappears into the bathroom to shower and he gets ready. He grabs the little sticky note grocery list on his way out and makes his way to the convenience store down the road.

He's back in the apartment half an hour later, packing the items away and pouring over the milk into his cereal when his phone goes off from inside. Thinking it's a notification, he decides it can wait and eats. Only when he's made and finished his coffee and done a load of laundry does he go to check his phone.

Only to be met with 3 missed calls and 2 messages. He responds to Jihoon before swiping down to take a closer look at the calls. It was the same number; one he didn't recognise. Nobody ever called him; they never needed to, so it was odd. He doesn't think it's a wrong number either, considering whoever it is called thrice. People don't typically dial a number incorrectly more than two times in a row. It wasn't Minghao or Jihoon's work numbers either, because he had those saved as well, and it couldn't be their dad because, despite the rarity of communication between them, he still had it saved. Unless it was a new number, but if that were the case, either Chan or Jihoon would have known by now.

Realizing that the only way he would find out was to phone, he sucks in a deep breath and presses the call button. It rings until the very last before there's an answer.

" _Good afternoon._ " A familiar voice fills his ears; as familiar as a voice could become within three conversations. While it could have been anyone else and he just thought it sounded familiar, Chan had never been more certain about anything of who the voice belonged to.

"It's still morning," he feels the need to remind as he takes a seat on the couch. "And hello to you too, Seungcheol."

" _So you remember me._ " He could be mistaken, but he thinks there's the hint of a smile in his voice. Though he's never seen Seungcheol before, he can almost picture a smile on his face. " _Thought I'd chased you away._ "

"I'm not that easily chased off." He pauses. Listening to the breathing on the other side of the line, he wonders why. Why was Seungcheol calling him? Why had he called thrice? And from where was he phoning that they weren't directed through the hospital room telephones. All questions he wanted to ask, but he didn't. He chooses not to. "You sound chirper."

" _The nurses have laid off for a bit. There's a new patient in the ward_."

"What, so all the nurses are with them? Do they do some sort of welcome day or something?" He queries, hand fiddling with the remote.

Another chuckle. " _Something along those lines. New comers get really nervous so the nurses try to make their arrival as welcoming and comfortable as possible_ ," he explains. He's about to say something in response when Seungcheol speaks up again. " _Did I interrupt your morning?_ "

"Excuse me?"

He rephrases his question. " _Were you busy when I called?_ "

"I had to stop at the shop," Chan replies. He's smiling, but he doesn't know why. "We were out of milk and I wanted to eat."

" _Is this a usual morning routine?_ " Amusement rings through the speaker. Chan snickers before covering his mouth with his hand. This wasn't how it went. They never called him and they certainly never made him smile or laugh. So what was this?

"Not at all," he says. "Only on my days off and if we need groceries."

" _What do you do when you're not off?_ "

"I'm a dance major at the local university."

" _For a 'local' university, they're one of the top_ ," Seungcheol replies and then his voice lowers as he adds, " _Or so I've heard._ "

Chan doesn't ask. He doesn't need to to figure out why he's only ever heard that they're one of the top universities in the country. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out either; anyone could really. Seungcheol's breathing has picked up, he really sounds like he's struggling. As he breathes in, Chan thinks it sounds heavier than it did before. When he breathes out, it's slower, like he's really trying to control it.

"Seungcheol?" A hint of panic slips into his tone. "Is everything okay?"

He takes longer to respond this time. Quiet, struggling breaths are audible through the speaker and then, after an excruciating minute, Seungcheol speaks. " _I'm sorry. I need to go._ " Without waiting for a response, the line cuts off.

He puts the phone down, brow creasing as he stares silently at it. He finds himself hoping above everything else that Seungcheol was okay. He didn't even _know_ him and yet he just _hoped_.

It's an effort trying to distract his mind the rest of the day. Most of it is spent putting on a movie only to switch it off and change to a series and this went on multiple times until he decided he'd try to read. That worked for about five minutes which was when Jihoon walked through the front door.

"You're home early," Chan notes as he locks gazes with his brother and smiles. He can't remember the last time Jihoon ever came home early. Though the expression on Jihoon's face goes from the usual neutral expression and morphs into a look of concern.

"Chan, I'm home the same time I've been getting home every other day."

Sure enough, when Chan looks at the clock, Jihoon is right. It's almost time for supper again. When Minghao walks in, Chan averts his gaze and tries to focus on the television, but really all he can wonder is about today.

Today and where the hell the time had gone.


	5. Chapter 5

He gets home later than Jihoon the next day.

Somehow, he was swamped with classes and the only break he had was used preparing for their choreography assignment. A song had been chosen unanimously and they had gotten as far as the first verse and part of the second. While he remembered to stretch, the constant going over what they had thus far had rendered his body pained and all he wanted was to collapse onto his bed and not open his eyes until the next morning. Nevermind the fact that he hadn't heard from Seungcheol again which worried him more than he cared to admit.

"You're late." That's the first thing Jihoon says when he walks in. He barely acknowledges it as he removes his shoes at the entryway and steps in. He doesn't get too far when Jihoon steps in his path. "Chan."

It's only then that he notices Minghao on the couch, frowning in concern. He stays seated as Jihoon and Chan stand face to face.

Something akin to a groan escapes Jihoon. "You had me worried!" he exclaims, stepping forward. Chan freezes, tensing as arms wrap around him in an embrace. Their heights always differed, but considering they hardly hugged, Chan never noticed. Not until now. Slowly, he lifts his own arms up as he returns the embrace, sighing softly into his brother's hair.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs. "My phone died. Otherwise I would have contacted you sooner."

"Don't you take your charger with you?" Minghao queries, deciding that now seemed okay to butt in. Chan shoots him a look.

"Yes, but I forgot the plug. Nobody had a spare."

They let each other go, Jihoon nodding his head in the direction of the kitchen. "Your food is in the microwave," he says as he eyes Chan up and down. He tilts his head and a soft smile forms across his face. "Shower and get some sleep, okay?"

He hums, disappearing into the kitchen and happily taking his food. He closes the door behind him and plugs his phone in, watching it switch on as he consumes the food one bite after another. A warm feeling emerges through him, and really, all he wants now is to shower and get some sleep. Which is what he is about to do when his phone rings. Though mentally, he considers not picking up, his hand is already swiping the green icon and pressing it to his ear.

" _Do you ever go out?_ " Is the first thing Seungcheol asks. There is no hint of mockery in his tone the way there would be if someone else asked. Just pure curiosity. That curiosity washes him over with relief. He hadn't realized how worried he'd been when Seungcheol had to go until right now. Which he felt odd about, taking into consideration that they've only had so many conversations; they haven't met in person. He didn't think he should be worrying about the guy on the other side of the line who, in this case, would be classified as a stranger. Yet, he did. Sleep had barely come to him. His voice fills Chan's ears again. " _Other than to campus, of course._ "

He hesitates. Somehow, he felt self-conscious about his answer. Though it's clear that Seungcheol _wants_ a response, so rather than overthinking it (because what good would that do, really), he shakes away any unnecessary thoughts. "Hardly," he admits. "It's just campus and home. Sometimes the store and sometimes my brother's work."

" _What does your brother do?_ " Seungcheol asks softly.

Though they're not face to face, his head tilts to the side. "He's a composer," he replies and then, a moment later, he adds, "And a singer."

" _Anything I know?_ "

"Depends on what you listen to," he replies within a second.

" _Music that I think is good. Which is a lot, really_." Chan doesn't say it, but he thinks it's a good response. It's the sort of response that would come from his brother (which he can confirm, as the question has been asked and the reply was almost 100% the same.) " _So I ask again, anything I know?_ "

"Why not just ask for his name?"

Seungcheol groans. " _Fine, then. What's his name?_ "

"Woozi—"

" _As in Woozi, who sings_ Miracle _? That's amazing_."

Without thinking, a sigh escapes him. Listening to the tone in his voice, his chest feels heavy. Of course it's amazing. Of course his brother is amazing. Sure he's always been proud, but sometimes, it got just a tad tiring. Like he was stepping in the shadows. There had been a time when he wished to be a singer, just like Jihoon. But he realized all too soon how darkening that would be and by the time he started school, he decided he would become a dancer.

" _If he's a singer_ ," he starts, his voice pulls Chan back into reality. " _Why aren't you?_ "

Was he reading his mind?

"What about you?" He asks to avoid the question. He leans back onto his bed, tucking his legs under the blankets as he waits for a response. It is times like this when he wonders what Seungcheol looked like.

" _I'm a full-time hospital room occupier._ "

"Funny way to put it," he says. "What did you plan to do before you became a full-time hospital room occupier?"

Silence cuts through the speaker, but he doesn't say anything. He waits in a silence that stretches on. Pulling the phone away from his ear, he sees that it's still ongoing, but Seungcheol isn't saying anything. It goes on long enough that Chan starts to say something to change the topic, but he's beaten to it.

" _I should go_." He pauses. " _Goodnight, Chan_."

This time, he accepts it. "Goodnight, Seungcheol," he says, counting to five before he hangs up. When he takes his plate to the kitchen, he spots Jihoon and Minghao asleep on the couch. Exhaustion hugs him tightly, to the point that his movements became slower. He covers them with a blanket and departs to his own room, falling onto the bed and passing out in seconds.


	6. Chapter 6

The phone ringing wakes him up the next morning.

Without opening his eyes, he stretches out a hand and tugs it off charge. Squinting against the glare of the screen, he swipes up and presses it to his ear.

" _A rapper or an actor_."

He scrunches his face, eyes squeezing tightly as he takes a moment to process what has been said. It takes him a moment longer to realize who it was and two moments after to connect the answer to the question that had been posed the evening prior. Upon that realization, his face relaxes and he opens his eyes, turning his head to glance at the clock beside his bed.

"It's seven in the morning," Chan murmurs groggily, feeling as though he was anchored to the bed as he attempts to get up. He decides to wait thirty minutes before he actually gets up. He averts his gaze to the ceiling.

There's shifting on the other side and Seungcheol hums in surprise. " _That it is. So, is that a no comment for my wasteful dreams?_ "

In response, he scoffs. Seungcheol asks him to say whatever it is he wanted to say and Chan is smiling as he says, "Your dreams are not wasteful."

" _I've got an expiration date._ "

"So does the rest of the world," Chan counters sharply. "Nobody knows when they're going to go. Someone perfectly healthy could die sooner than someone of deteriorating health."

He's used to the silence that grew between topics of their conversation. He was not, however, used to the sound of Seungcheol laughing. While Chan was not one to think things like this when it came to someone of his own gender, he couldn't help but think that his laugh was beautiful. He's heard Seungcheol chuckle, but his _laugh_ is of a whole other degree. Thinking of his chuckle as light was nothing compared to the laugh that echoed through the speaker of his phone; it was light and purely upbeat. It was the sort of laugh that lit up a room and the sort to make others want to laugh alongside him.

"You've got a point," he says once he's calmed himself.

"I know," Chan stammers. It's been ten minutes since he last looked at the clock. Between the pauses, he can hear the sound of his brother shifting around inside to get down. Footsteps patter along wooden floors as someone enters the bathroom.

"Are you busy today?"

Chan glances over at the schedule taped to his wall. "No, I'm not," he replies. A lengthy pause followed by something he definitely does not expect. Seungcheol breathes out into the speaker so softly, he almost mistakes it for a sigh. He calls out his name in a question leading Seungcheol to chuckle.

"Would you care to visit?"

Chan's entire facial expression shifts. Brows lifting up into his forehead, his eyes widen, mouth parting slightly and he almost drops his phone but he catches himself almost immediately. It is Seungcheol who calls his name in question this time, pulling Chan out of his momentary shock. Long enough to stammer out, "Excuse me?"

"If you have nothing to do today," Seungcheol starts, voice taking on a tone of amusement as he goes on, "Then you should come down here and visit."

"You're serious?" Chan asks genuinely. He really was uncertain as to how serious Seungcheol was about this proposition. The door creaks open, Jihoon popping his head in. Their gazes lock and Jihoon waves a hand before closing the door again, seeming to be in a hurry (and considering the time, there was no doubt about it.)

"You don't want to?"

"When did I say such a thing?"

"So I'll see you then," Seungcheol says and Chan can hear the smile in his voice. "Nine is when visiting hours start." Before Chan could say anything else, Seungcheol bids him goodbye and the call cuts off. With nothing else to do, he climbs out of bed to get ready.

Minghao is walking out of the room when Chan steps out an thirty minutes later. Surprise dances across his face as he catches Chan and is soon replaced with curiosity.

"Going somewhere today?"

"Yeah."

"Bus or train?"

"Bus."

"Where are you heading? Maybe I can walk down to the stop with you," Minghao suggests, tugging at his tie. The ugly yellow tie that stood out against the red uniform and white shirt. Jihoon always made him take it off.

"I'm heading to the hospital," Chan replies reluctantly, already knowing the look he'd receive. "Uptown." When he looks up, he's looking directly at Minghao and sure enough, there is the expression he was expecting. A mixture of surprise, curiosity and confusion. He's seen the look enough times to be able to predict it every now and again.

"The hospital? Did something happen?"

He hesitates, considering his answer for a moment. Trying to put whatever was flying about in his head, into words. "Nothing happened," he replies. "I thought I'd visit some of the patients I've been talking to." It's not a total lie and when he catches the understanding smile Minghao flashes, he relaxes. Not wanting to miss the next bus, he bids Minghao a goodbye and races out.

It doesn't take that long before the bus pulls to the stop near the hospital. As he climbs off, he finds himself wiping his hands along the side of his pants. Not because they were sweaty but because, for whatever reason, he's nervous. He starts fiddling with the scar he wrapped around his neck, tying and untying it and retying it again as he makes his way up the ramping section and through the front doors.

It's almost completely empty aside from one or two people who seem to be waiting on whoever they're waiting for (but they look nervous and anxious, so Chan deduces that they're here for people who were raced to the emergency room or were suddenly brought here.) He takes one final eye sweep of the room before walking up to the reception.

A receptionist behind a computer and wearing circle framed glasses with a sour look glances up at him.

"Hello," he greets timidly. "I'm here for a Seungcheol?"

"Surname?"

"I'm not sure."

"Are you a relative?"

He freezes. "No, I'm not a relative."

"Sir, if you're not a relative and you don't know his name, I can't give you any details—"

"I know his name—"

"So please take a seat or simply leave—"

"Would you quit being so serious with the guests?" A voice teases. The same familiar voice that he'd spoken to only two hours ago. Here, in real life, saving him from this nurse.

"Seungcheol, do you know him?"

Chan follows the nurse's gaze and his entire body freezes up on the spot as he makes eye contact with viciously golden brown eyes smiling up at him, messy black hair dusting his forehead as a smile brighter than the sun decorates his face.

"Yeah," he says, and sure enough, the voice is coming from the guy in front of him. His hands turn the wheels of the wheelchair as he comes closer. "He's my friend. Meaning _my_ visitor." He turns and starts moving on ahead, glancing back at Chan with a grin.

"Come on, Chan."


	7. Chapter 7

They go up to the second floor. Seungcheol says that the cancer patients take this floor in the event that the elevator stops working and those who couldn't make it down six flights would only have to worry about one set of stairs. Chan kept his comment to himself, but he wonders why not keep them on the first floor then.

Occasionally, he casts a look over to Seungcheol, who stays quiet as he leads the way. He doesn't ask where they're going, simply follows. He pulls the wheelchair to a stop outside room 303 and looks at Chan. "Wait here for a second?" Though he's asking, he's already disappeared into the room. Feeling uneasy, he leans against the wall. Watching quietly as one or two people walk past. Mostly nurses and he spots someone asking for help in finding a room. The door across pulls open and a boy steps out, full cheeks and floppy brown hair straighter than Chan could ever get his own without needing to use a flat iron. Their eyes lock and he bows his head politely. Another boy follows, younger than the first, a beanie pulled over his head and brown hair sticking out along the one side. He's got a foreign look to him, and when their eyes meet, he tilts his head. A curious smile crosses his face. He waves a hand.

"Okay," Seungcheol says abruptly, "Let's go." He comes out of his room and stops for a brief moment, looking over at the two boys who were still there. Seungcheol smiles at the one in the wheelchair, who smiles back softly. "Good morning, Vernon. Seungkwan."

"Morning Seungcheol," the boy pushing the wheelchair greets. The one in the wheelchair waves and before Chan can say anything, they disappear down the hallway and around the corner. Turning back, he hurries to catch up with Seungcheol who has already started moving. They head to the other side of the hallway and he presses the button for the elevator.

"Where are we going?" Chan asks, sparing a sideways glance as the elevator doors close. Seungcheol's eyes dart over and he quickly averts his gaze to the doors. When he looks again, Seungcheol is staring straight, an amused smile spread across his face.

"Up," he says simply.

"Like the movie?"

"Not _exactly_ like the movie," he comments, looking at Chan incredulously as if it were more than a simple joke.

A silence covers them for the next few seconds before the elevator stops and the doors open. Seungcheol exits out onto the rooftop and Chan follows behind quietly as he takes in their surroundings. It's large in size, benches at each side and the washing lines beside a little garden. Seungcheol wheels himself over to the bench and Chan almost loses it when he gets up and walks _perfectly well_ over to the bench. His brows lift and he's stammering while Seungcheol watches him in amusement.

"You walked," Chan states, walking over and leaning into the bench from behind. " _Walked_!"

"Who ever said I needed the wheelchair?" Seungcheol queries, a mischievous little glint in his eye. His brows quirk as he waits to see what Chan will say.

"You don't need it?"

"Not really. I just woke up really exhausted," he explains, turning his head to look out onto the city. "They let me use it for situations similar." The hand resting on the spot beside him taps it twice before he moves it to his lap and he folds his hands together. Chan sits down beside him. There's a soft breeze that has him wondering whether it was safe to be up here. Considering the way the rain came out in the days prior, he couldn't help but to wonder.

"So, you never answered my question." His head whips around to find Seungcheol already looking at him. His head is tilted slightly that has his hair flopping over to one side of his face. A quizzical expression forms as he continues to stare, in anticipation.

"Your question?"

"Why dancing? Why not singing?"

Oh. Oh, _that_ question. The one he tried to avoid. The one he managed to avoid up until this very moment that it is being asked. Here he thought he was safe from it, but Seungcheol's memory seemed to get the better of him.

"I'm no good."

Seungcheol scoffs. "That's a lie. Try again."

"How is it a lie?"

"Gut feeling." This response is what has Chan laughing. While it's not all that funny, he finds himself laughing way harder than he should, right to the point where he has to cover his face. He thinks it might be how stupidly simple the reasoning was or the fact that his 'gut feeling' was spot on. Even Chan, who could be self-conscious, knew he wasn't that bad of a singer. He was better at rap, but he wasn't a total horror of a singer. Seungcheol watches him quietly; he can feel his eyes on him.

"Me becoming a singer would immediately have me in a shadow," he admits. "My brother's well known. He's _good_ and hardworking and one hundred per cent self producing. If I decided to step out into the world and become a singer or even just a rapper, I'd be compared to him. Non-stop. There would be _so_ much pressure on me," he says, finalizing his explanation. He doesn't look at Seungcheol but instead up at the sky. His aura is comfortable. Chan could have sat next to him for the first time, no phone calls prior to their meeting, and he'd still be speaking this way. He was just that comforting, aura screaming that he was anything _but_ judgemental. He hears Seungcheol hum beside him.

"So a dancer," he states. "Making a name for yourself."

"Exactly."

Chan doesn't stay all that long. He leaves two hours later when a doctor Jeon Wonwoo comes to find him. In that time, he finds out that the number Seungcheol has been using to call him is his cell. He didn't like having to use the hospital phone in his room nor did he like having to be connected through the hospital phone. He got the information from one of the night shift nurses who always picked up when Chan answered and when Seungcheol escorted him downstairs, he's almost sad that their day ended so suddenly. Nevertheless, he hurries to catch the bus and when he gets home, he goes straight to his room.

Not even ten minutes later, his phone goes off.

" _I'm sorry for asking you here so abruptly_." His voice fills Chan's ears, a hint of exhaustion coming through his tone. He isn't finished as he continues, " _But thank you for the visit_."

"Thank you for inviting me to visit."

He chuckles. " _I have to go, but it was nice meeting you, Chan._ "

"You too," he responds and the line cuts dead. He stares at the phone and after a moment, he adds the number to his contacts. _It was nice meeting you too_.


	8. Chapter 8

" _When are you free again?_ " The question comes as he's getting onto the train after a rush of a morning. He missed his brother by a few seconds which meant he was running late. It's Sunday, so of course there's no classes, but it was one of the only days the group had no clashes in their schedules and so, with permission from the head and asking for the key, they were meeting up at the dance studio.

"I'm free from ten today. Otherwise, I'll send you my schedule," he replies, looking out of the window. The outside world goes by in a blur, but he doesn't look away. "Why?"

"The aquarium is having a free weekly entry from today," he explains and there's the faint sound of a page flipping; a brochure, Chan imagines. "We can meet up here and head that way," he suggests. Another page flip. A soft and excited 'oh' comes through the phone. "We can feed the dolphins and the turtles!" He sounds like a child opening a present on Christmas (or one of those impatient kids who couldn't wait and were allowed to open one of their presents on Christmas eve.) It's so pure that Chan finds himself agreeing. Another sound of excitement leaves Seungcheol.

"So, I'll see you then." He hops out at his stop and hurries up the steps. He's almost at the dance room. "I have to go."

"See you later, Chan." A tingle runs through his body and down his spine. He likes the way his name sounds when Seungcheol says it. He has no idea why he's always saying it, but he definitely does not mind.

"Ready?" Leedo asks, when he walks through the doors. Hyunjin is stretching and Ungjae is removing his coat. He takes in the room and, releasing a breath, he nods.

He feels bad when he locks eyes with Seungcheol who walks over after spotting him; he feels terrible considering he isn't as dressed up as Seungcheol who had on black washed jeans, a _thrasher_ sweater and a white denim jacket. His hair peeks out from under the cap he wears and he's even wearing a chain. All Chan had on was sweatpants and a hoodie—and fuck. Fuck, because Seungcheol is standing in front him now and they've never stood in front of each other so he saw that Seungcheol was taller than him. He hadn't expected it.

"I'm sorry," Chan says quickly, words slipping past his lips before he can stop them. Seungcheol stares at him for a moment, but not once does his eyes leave Chan's face.

"For what?" he asks, so gently, that Chan realizes it may be dumb that he's feeling guilty for not coming so dressed up. Still, he tells Seungcheol the reason for his apology earning him a laugh. No other response as he's arm is tugged by the elbow and they start walking.

"Are we taking a bus?" Chan asks when they stop by the bus stop. He knows it might sound dumb, but Seungcheol treats it as a genuine question (which he is thankful for.)

"Do you really want to walk all that way?"

His lips quirk up at the corners. "No," he admits. "A drive up would be better."

The bus ride up is not that long and soon, they're walking in. An employee stands at the entrance of the place and hands them each a balloon, stepping aside for them to walk in. The entire room is a deep blue and filled with people. Seungcheol goes over to the sign; it points out what is down each path and something intrigues him because he whips around and tugs at Chan's elbow again.

The route they take has the least people.

It also happens to be the hallway where the glass covered the sides and ceiling, where you could walk through and feel as if you were _in_ the ocean. Seungcheol points up to a stingray.

"Have you been here before?" He asks as Chan steps closer to the glass, watching as the various fish swim by.

"No," he replies softly. Though he's never been, he's always liked aquariums. The way all sea breeds (or at least most of them) were able to swim alongside each other and never have any worries. They were peaceful; they lived alongside each other peacefully. Completely the opposite to that of the human world. "I've always wanted to come."

"So why didn't you?"

"Mom couldn't bring us, dad wasn't around and Jihoon juggled everything. I couldn't burden him with selfish needs," he says without thinking. He's still staring as the stingray makes its way around the area, another one soon joining.

"Why did he juggle everything?"

As he processes the question, he realizes what he's just said and immediately turns to Seungcheol. He's got a solemn expression across his face and his eyes almost understanding like he could guess what it was.

"I don't—"

"It's alright to talk to me," he interrupts.

"Your day will be ruined," Chan informs, but he's not finished speaking when Seungcheol shakes his head.

"Not likely," he says. "But let's say it did."

"Then what?"

"I'd rather hear about it than have you keep it in for so long and be consumed by it," he replies in that gentle tone that hugged Chan's heart so fondly. So much so that he wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to. To be able to talk to someone about it that wasn't his brother or his brother's boyfriend. Hyunjin, Jimin and he were friends, but not close friends. They were acquaintances more than anything else really; they knew each other by name but that was it. Never did they go out together or visit each other. It was strictly university-friends and nothing more.

So maybe he just wanted a friend.

Seungcheol stares intently and Chan nods his head. "After, okay?"

"After what?"

"I'll tell you after we've finished here at the aquarium."

His eyes light up in an instant. "Alright," he says and the next thing Chan knows, he's being pulled along.


	9. Chapter 9

Not wanting to be tugged along and appear as if he were forced to be here (yeah, they got looks from some of the people here), Chan pulled him back and hooked their arms.

They stood in front of penguin habitat. Seungcheol read random facts out loud (something he's been doing all day) which Chan thought to be adorable. He'd change his voice depending on which sea animal they were looking at. When they went to feed the dolphins, he adjusted his voice into a higher pitch while with the penguins, he made his voice deeper. Not once did Chan look away, despite the odd looks they got.

The sharks were a whole other thing. Maybe Chan freaked out (he hadn't been paying attention and only noticed when he turned around.) Seungcheol found it amusing, but he pulled Chan closer, a chuckle slipping out of his mouth as he assured him it was okay. They left the area almost immediately, trading it for one of the rooms where the lighting wasn't as bright; the room was darker and in the tanks were different sea creatures—all of them glowing. He became mesmerized. Seungcheol asked for his phone and took a picture; Chan did the same a moment later and they stayed for a little while before making their way out as the room slowly filled with more and more people.

Seungcheol turns to him. "Let's go to the turtles," he suggests eagerly, already moving on ahead. Chan took his time catching up; by the time he has, Seungcheol is already reading off the chart, shifting his voice to sound like an old man. A woman looks over at them, her face pulled up in distaste, but Seungcheol doesn't notice. Nor does Chan, really, as Seungcheol continues reading and he's laughing. A full on belly aching laugh escapes him; he's half crouched over, arms clutching at his stomach. He's almost on his knees though he desperately tries to compose himself.

A hand stretches out, and without glancing up, he accepts it.

"It's getting late," Seungcheol says. He's looking at Chan fondly.

"Feed them before we go," Chan suggests. He hasn't forgotten how excited Seungcheol was about feeding the animals; turtles especially. The last thing he wanted was for him to not have this chance. Seungcheol seems to have the same idea as he walks up to one of the employees and accepts the food items to feed the turtles. His lips quirk into a slight smile as he quietly watches them. Seeming at ease which puts Chan at ease.

With that, they leave to catch the bus. Seungcheol stays quiet, but he doesn't miss the look on his face. Chan slides into the two seater, taking the window seat while Seungcheol takes the aisle seat; it's practically empty except for one person right in front and three people near the back. Chan turns his gaze out the window.

"Our dad left when I was still a kid," he starts. Fists clenching, he presses them into his lap. "Mom got sick when we were both still in school and our dad didn't care. We wanted him here, but all he offered was money. He didn't come to the funeral either," he murmurs and he doesn't have to look to know that Seungcheol is listening. "He offered to take care of us after she passed, but Jihoon declined. Said he had it under control. Which is fine; he wasn't there before and we were fine so we didn't need him then." He pushes past the lump in his throat, clenching his hands tighter.

An arm wraps around his shoulder, but he doesn't look up. He doesn't think he will anytime soon.

"And you're fine without him now," Seungcheol finishes.

"We are."

"Do you guys still speak to him?" He asks softly. The arm around him squeezes tightly. He leans in.

"On big holidays." He releases a breath.

"You'll be okay."

Chan closes his eyes. "I know," he whispers.

Chan walks Seungcheol through reception and they part ways. When he gets home, Jihoon is on the couch. There's no Minghao today (or at least not yet.) He murmurs a greeting as he heads into his room and quietly shuts the door. As he slumps onto the bed, the door creaks open quietly and it dips under Jihoon's weight.

"Channie?" His hand rests on his shoulder, squeezing gently in a comforting manner.

Chan releases a shaky breath, his chest aching and the lump in his throat only getting harder to swallow away. He's barely able to breathe, no matter how many times he begs himself to keep it together; he's on the brink of tears.

"Chan—"

"Why doesn't he care?" Chan whispers. Jihoon's hand stiffens.

"Who?"

"Dad," Chan chokes out softly. "Why doesn't he care? How is it that he _never_ cared," he sobs out, voice breaking as the tears fall against his will. He can feel Jihoon's hand slide along his back until he's claiming Chan in a hug, pulling him over onto his lap and stroking at his hair.

He doesn't know why he's crying about this now; he's had _years_ to cry over it and yet somehow, one conversation with Seungcheol has him bursting like a waterfall. He shouldn't feel this way, should have been over it by now. They were _fine_ without him and they always have been. And yet—

The sound of the front door shutting echoes through the house, but Chan barely flinches. He grips onto Jihoon like a child, even as Minghao knocks, head poking in in that silent manner of his. There's shifting and he hears the door close, but Jihoon hasn't left. He holds on tighter.

His phone blares through the room, startling him awake. (He hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep. And a quick glance around the room alerts him that he's alone again.)

"Hello?" He murmurs into the phone, sounding half-asleep, even to himself.

" _Did I wake you_?"

"Sort of," he replies, completely unfazed that it's Seungcheol.

" _Oh, sorry._ " He pauses. " _Are you okay?_ "

Chan closes his eyes. With a deep sigh, he murmurs, "Sort of."


	10. Chapter 10

"We'll finish off here for today." Leedo claps, pulling himself to a stand; in the last few days, they've made progress. They've got the choreography sorted up until just after the chorus and it's more than just plain satisfactory. Especially with the way things have been going the past few days; he hasn't spoken to Seungcheol since the night of his break down. Nor has he really spoken to his brother or Minghao, at least not properly. It was all half-assed sentences and bare replies and of course he felt terrible, but he just didn't have the energy.

His dad called the day after and mostly exchanged words with Jihoon. Chan simply refused to speak, and he trusted Jihoon not to say a word to their dad because that's how things always went. That was just how it worked. He tried calling Chan this morning, so he left his phone at home (after informing Jihoon so he didn't worry.)

"Awesome," Chan murmurs breathily, pushing himself up from the floor and going over to his bag. Pulling it onto his shoulder, he greets the three before making his way to the door. Ungjae stops him to ask if he's okay and they end up walking out together.

"If you ever need to talk to someone," he says and there's the hint of a smile, albeit sad, on his face. "I'm a great listener."

"Thanks," he says; with the few encounters and fewer conversations they've had, Chan doesn't doubt him. He'd take him up on that offer if he knew him better. Really though, all he wanted was to _not_ talk about it. When they step outside, he's not joking, he freezes on the spot. Ungjae, seeming not to notice, waves goodbye and hurries down. Down, down, down, and glances. Over at _Seungcheol_. Seungcheol who sits at the bottom of the steps. And smiles politely. Ungjae flashes a smile back, turns to Chan and winks.

Seungcheol turns his head, having noticed the subtle action, and he stands up. His hands are shoved in the pockets of his jean jacket and he's got a beanie tugged over his hair. He's dressed up nicely, which Chan thinks is not all that surprising; Seungcheol seemed like the sort of person who could wear joggers and a hoodie and look like he was dressed up. He descends the stairs slowly, eyes never leaving him and only stopping three steps above. Neither of them say anything for what feels like an eternity, until Chan decides to end it.

"What are you doing here?"

Seungcheol's mouth quirks. "I called this morning."

"My phone—"

"Your brother answered," he explains, cutting off Chan's interruption. His eyes flicker to the ground, and he suddenly seems more nervous than he was just a few moments ago. When he looks up, he's smiling, eyes forming little crescent moons. "Are you done for the day?" He asks gently, sneaking a glance behind Chan as though expecting people to come swarming out and snatch him away before Seungcheol could go on.

"I am," Chan confirms.

"How do you feel about ice-cream?"

He stares for a moment. Considering it. His eyes flicker toward where Ungjae had walked off, and he thinks about how if it had been Ungjae (or Hyunjin, or Leedo or even his brother), he would have said no; he would have made some excuse and gone home and lost himself beneath the mess of blankets on his bed. And yet here he was, contemplating.

Here he was _agreeing_. "Love it," he murmurs in response, going down the last few steps and joining his side. Seungcheol leads the way, occasionally sparing a glance in his direction, but nevertheless remaining silent. They reach a little ice-cream parlour near the university and after looking to him for some sort of confirmation, Seungcheol sits down by a table with Chan joining him shortly after. A waiter comes, hands them a menu to share, and disappears to the back. Seungcheol is looking at Chan who, making eye contact with him, flushes and averts his gaze quickly.

"So what made you come looking for me?" Chan queries, resting his chin in his hand, elbow supporting him. He's never noticed how long Seungcheol's eyelashes were until this very moment; he was really pretty. The sort of pretty Chan sometimes wished he could be. He knew a lot of people that fell into this sort of pretty (namely Minghao, Leedo, Hyunjin, Ungjae and Jimin. His brother would fall into this category too, admittedly.)

Seungcheol adjusts himself, pressing his chin into his hand as well. "I haven't heard from you in a few days and while I know that shouldn't be weird, what _is_ odd is that the nurses mentioned you haven't called through to any of the others either," he admits, lips pursing. Eyebrows pinching together quizzically, he continues. "So, I called this morning only for your brother to answer. He seemed surprised but otherwise, when I told him I was worried, he told me where to find you and the time."

"Quite the detective," Chan comments, not meeting his gaze.

"Excuse me?"

"Saying that you were worried—"

"I was—"

"You don't need to pretend—"

"I—"

"But thanks—"

"Chan."

It's not like any of the tones he's bared witness to before; this one is sterner. Firm and strong. When Chan looks up, he's surprised to find how serious Seungcheol really was. He folds his hands together tightly, releasing a deep breath before he braves making eye contact with Seungcheol again.

"I'm sorry for worrying you," he murmurs, chewing at his bottom lip when Seungcheol doesn't say anything. He hadn't expected to have worried him.

"Are you okay?"

His eyes flicker up and he's staring into those deep brown eyes that caused a fluttering feeling throughout his body; a feeling so strange and unusual to him that he chose to ignore it.

"What time do you need to be back?" Chan asks as an idea of how to possibly make it up to him pops into his head. He sits up straighter, expectantly.

"If I don't get there by seven, I'm permitted to return in the morning," he says after giving the question some thought. At Chan's look, he smiles assuringly. "I've stayed out before. As long as I return in the mornings, it's alright."

With a nod, Chan starts digging into his ice-cream the moment the waiter sets it down and walks off. They eat their ice-creams in silence, and then Chan looks up and for the first time in the last few days, his lips twitch up into a smile. "You alright to have supper with us?"

He almost chokes; his head whips up to look at Chan as if he can't believe what he's hearing. Before Chan can say anything, he's nodding. "That'd be great," he says. When he lowers his head to continue eating, Chan catches the way he's smiling. And he'll admit, he's a little more than pleased with himself that he's gotten Seungcheol to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm way awkward and dunno how to respond exactly (I'm a dork, I'm sorry), but all of your comments make me smile and they're just everything. I love reading them and it warms my heart. And I want to say thank you so much for supporting it thus far and hope you enjoy it further <3


	11. Chapter 11

"How many people am I preparing for?" They stand outside the apartment as Seungcheol asks. Chan doesn't miss the way he fiddles with the sleeve of his jacket; he twirls at the button, gaze constantly switching from the front door to Chan and back. He seemed nervous leaving Chan to deduce that it may be because of who his brother is. He chooses not to say anything regarding that. Instead, he pats Seungcheol's shoulder.

"Only my brother and his boyfriend," he says with so much assurance that the nervousness seems to slowly dissipate within Seungcheol who nods firmly. His lips curl up slowly as he looks over and with another firm nod of confirmation, Chan opens the door. The living room is empty as they step inside and for a moment, he wonders whether they were even here yet. He looks at the clock and releases a sigh. "They should get here soon," he says, turning to Seungcheol. "In the meantime, would you like something to drink?" Without waiting for any sort of response, he walks into the kitchen and switches on the kettle. Seungcheol sits down hesitantly and Chan cannot help but laugh. He reminded him of a kid who didn't want to get into any trouble. With his straight posture and hands folded together tightly, he presses his lips together as he takes in the room. Which is not much. The kitchen essentials were around, but that was pretty much it. Cupboards, the sinks, a stove oven. Everything else was packed away, but otherwise that was it. And yet somehow, Seungcheol had one of the most intense and conflicted expressions across his face. It was like he'd never seen anything of sort before. He took it in the same way someone would take in a new country if it was their first time there.

"Seungcheol?"

He hums, but says nothing, eyes barely looking away as he stared out of the window above the sink.

"Do you not go home? Visiting your parents or anything?" Chan asks, albeit hesitantly. He realizes, as the question slips past his lips, that Seungcheol never spoke about them; not once were his family members brought up and almost ninety per cent of the time, Seungcheol would be with him if not calling him. Ever since that day. The look on his face says enough for Chan to know there was a reason. It looked like he just witnessed a puppy being injured and he wasn't able to do anything.

"My brother's on a business trip," he replies, smoothly avoiding mentioning his mother or father which leads Chan to accept that he should avoid mentioning them as well. Nodding, he makes the coffees.

"Does he go on them often?"

"Yeah. Visits when he's got a chance." Seungcheol pauses as he considers this and then, after a lengthy moment, he adds, "He pays for the hospital bills and all that, so if an opportunity for a little extra money pops by, he doesn't let it go, you know?"

Chan did know. It was the same with them when their mom was still alive. Jihoon would do whatever he could to get that little extra cash in and sometimes, during months like those, they were able to afford something a little extra. He often felt guilty, even when Jihoon told him not to. He was still in school, but when he offered getting a job, Jihoon shut down the idea immediately. Said he needed to focus on school and nothing else. His mom said the same and, well, who was he to have argued with two of the most important people in his life? "Yeah," he murmurs, tone dipping closely to regret and pure sadness despite his efforts for it not to. "I get it." He turns around and hands the cup over to Seungcheol who looked about ready to say something with his lips parted and his posture straighter than before. However, before he can, the sound of the door opening shatters the moment.

Jihoon walks in with a packet of groceries. Minghao follows closely behind him and, without skipping a beat, takes the seat next to Seungcheol.

"Good evening," Jihoon greets Seungcheol, mouth curving into a smile. Eyes flickering to Chan, the smile never disappears. "You just want to do take-out tonight?"

"If they're okay with it," he replies.

Though Minghao says nothing, they know he'll be alright with it and so, their gazes all set on Seungcheol who very awkwardly admits that he doesn't mind. With that, the gazes shift away; Jihoon moves around to grab two cups while Minghao launches 'tell-me-about-your-day' mode which earns a shared look between Seungcheol and Chan before the latter looks back and smiles. "It was alright," he replies. "We've gotten up until after the chorus."

Seungcheol sits up straight, his eyes dart between Minghao and Chan as he tries to figure out what they're speaking about. His lips quirk a little, but he quickly composes himself as he says, "For a major mark, we're required to come up with a choreography to a song we've chosen and it's in groups of four," he explains, pausing as he looks around at the three of them before he adds on, "We're performing it at something similar to a concert—"

Jihoon whips around. "What, really? An actual concert?"

"Something _like_ a concert, hyung," Chan corrects quickly. "But yeah, essentially. It's so they can mark us on how we perform in front of a crowd as well."

Jihoon looks amazed; purely and genuinely amazed, as he stares at him, waiting for him to go on. The silent question screeches on between them and them alone.

"I was going to tell you," Chan says for lack of better words. In all honesty, he doesn't know if he was going to. It was around the same time that Jihoon was due for his comeback and without asking, deduced that there would be no time for something as small as this. He wants to say all of this to Chan, but somehow, the words escape him. Searching his brain, he pleads quietly to knock himself out of whatever sort of daze he's fallen into; he needed to say something.

There's movement to the left; Minghao murmurs something about ordering the food and then walks off along with Seungcheol.

"When did you know?" Jihoon asks simply. When he looks at Chan, the guilt starts to sink in; the truth is he's known since they got this assignment project. The debate within him to actually tell Jihoon was one he constantly faced up until now.

"Since we got the assignment—"

"Did you think I wouldn't want to come?" Jihoon interrupts immediately. His voice cracks near the end, but he's so composed that even Chan thinks he's imagined it. "Look," he says suddenly, voice softening toward the last syllable; his head dips as he looks to the ground, unable to bear facing Chan as he continues. "I know, okay? I know I'm not mom, but of course I'd want to come. I know I'm not a parent; I could _never_ be the parent between us, but—"

"Hyung," Chan whines softly in interruption, catching both of them off guard. Jihoon's brows lift, surprise decorating his face. After all, when did Chan ever interrupt him? "You're being silly," he says softly. "You're my brother. You're my _family_. Of course I'd want you there."

"Then why?" he murmurs, expression softening as he stares quietly at Chan.

"I thought you wouldn't be able to. It's around your comeback so I wasn't sure if you'd have the time—"

"I will," he retorts firmly. Somehow, his assurance has Chan feeling so much lighter; his lips curl into a smile and he gives a firm nod.

"Alright." He doesn't stop smiling. Not even when they walk into the living room where Seungcheol and Minghao lounged on the couch, a murmur of words being exchanged. The television played one of Chan's dance movies to which his smile only widened. Quickly, he walks around to the other side and squeezes himself between the two. Seungcheol adjusts himself so that he's sitting a little closer to the arm of the couch and Minghao moves over so that Jihoon can find a spot too.

The food comes half-way through the movie; Chan moves to the floor to make it more comfortable and Minghao hands out the plates. They eat in silence, occasional chatter occurring regarding the movie, but that's where it ends. Jihoon gets out the mattress and extra blankets, assuring Seungcheol that it was more than alright to have him sleep over and they set it up on the floor in Chan's room. When the clock hits nine, Jihoon and Minghao excuse themselves, disappearing into the bedroom; one of them muttering something along the lines of showering in the morning. Chan gathers the plates while Seungcheol gathers the empty boxes.

"Do you want to shower before we sleep?" Chan asks, digging through his cupboard in search of a sweater and pants which he hands over to Seungcheol who accepts it gently.

"I'm fine, thanks." He goes to the bathroom to change while Chan changes in the room. By the time Seungcheol has returned, Chan is already under the blankets. Seungcheol gives him an incredulous look.

"What are you doing?" he demands softly, shutting the door behind him. "I'm supposed to take the floor."

"The bed is more comfortable. Plus, I don't mind."

"Chan—"

"Goodnight, Seungcheol." Lowering his head onto the pillow, he closes his eyes and pulls the blanket to his chin. The soft sound of breathing fills the silence between them and he can hear the shifting as Seungcheol settles in. There's the longest moment of silence in which Chan thinks perhaps he's fallen asleep. Though just as the thought pops into his head, he hears Seungcheol sigh.

"Thank you, Chan. Goodnight."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a little present for finishing my hell week this week, I give you the next chapter :)

They hurry out of the apartment together; Chan is half stumbling down the steps as he tries to keep up with Seungcheol without the latter slowing down. Somehow, they overslept. Minghao was the one to wake them, informing them of the time and leading them to this rush. He offered to drop them off but Chan assured him it was alright. 

“I’m so sorry,” Chan groans as they reach the bus stop with a minute to spare. He sucks in deep breaths while Seungcheol watches in amusement while trying to catch his own breath. Lifting his head, he shoots a glare. “It’s not all that funny,” he says between breaths and Seungcheol is ready to argue with him when the bus pulls up. They get on together, taking a two seater near the front. 

“Did you sleep alright at least?” Chan questions softly, leaning his shoulder into the window and turning his attention onto Seungcheol who was somehow still smiling. He watches in surprise; he never noticed how almost all the time, Seungcheol’s smile would show off his gums. Even when he laughed. He has no excuse for how he hadn’t noticed it sooner, but he had to admit that he found it cute. Adorable, even. 

Seungcheol meets his gaze and offers a slight smile. Even with as small a smile as Chan was being given, his gums peaked out a little. “I slept well,” Seungcheol affirms in a formal tone that comes out of nowhere, catching Chan off guard. Trying to appear as if he hadn’t noticed, Chan nods. 

“That’s good.” He looks out of the window and the silence that follows envelops them gently. It’s not awkward, but rather, Chan feels at ease with Seungcheol by his side. They don’t say anything for the whole ride up to Chan’s stop, where they exchange goodbyes and he hurries along. He’s half up the steps when he notices Ungjae and Leedo waiting outside. Joining them, he takes a seat on the wall. 

When Hyunjin finally joins them, they head to the dance room together. The dancing is as intense as ever, but they’re getting somewhere which pleases all of them; you don’t need to ask them to be able to know that. It was something in the way they danced up until the last verse; they rarely made mistakes and anyone could tell there was a sort of pride that weaved itself into their dance. Chan would look into the mirror and catch everyone else doing the same, and they would smile. They’ve finished up the choreography, so from now, it would be a matter of practice.

Grabbing his things, he notices the missed calls; two at least. Without waiting for any of the others, he bids them a goodbye and steps out, pressing the call button beside the contact name. It rings twice before there is an answer.

“ _ Done with practice?”  _ There’s a genuineness to his voice that has Chan rolling his eyes. As if he didn’t know the time Chan would be finishing. In their rush to get done and before Jihoon disappeared out the door, they confirmed the little supper outing; Chan was meeting him at his work so he gave Jihoon a rough estimate of when he should be done. Minghao would be meeting them there.

“Who wants to know?” he teases, stepping out of the doors. 

“Me,” Seungcheol whines; Chan can almost picture him pouting. “So I have a confession — ”

“You’re kidding,” he whispers into the speaker, arm lowering to his side as he stares down the steps. Right at the bottom, there stood Seungcheol in all his glory with his gummy smile pulling across his face as soon as their gazes met. How was this possible? How on  _ earth _ ?

Chan speaks first, descending the steps as he asks, “You’re planning on telling me your confession now right?” A pause hangs in the air and he narrows his eyes. “Unless this is it?”

Seungcheol laughs and wow — wow because it catches him off guard; the gums are on full display and eyes resemble little crescent moons. He’s leaning against the wall for support. A thick jacket has replaced his denim jacket from this morning and he’s got on a beanie. “Your brother invited me to join you guys this evening,” he explains. “So, I thought I’d meet up with you and we could head there together.”

“He invited you,” Chan repeats, taking a step down. “So, why didn’t you say anything this morning!” he practically scolds and the way Seungcheol’s eyes widen, he thinks it's worth it. It’s certainly adorable. He stretches out an arm and the next thing he knows, he’s hooking it with Seungcheol’s arm and starts tugging him along. “You should have said something sooner.”

“I thought you’d be mad,” he admits suddenly, quietly as if the words would trigger whatever anger Seungcheol feared possessed Chan. He spares a few glances as he waits for a response.

“Why would you think that?”

“You looked mad.”

“I was surprised.”

“But — ”

“Cheol, you’re fun to have around. I definitely don’t mind it,” Chan murmurs in interruption. When the bus pulls up, the conversation comes to a halt as Seungcheol gets on first and Chan follows a moment after, paying for the both of them. He’s already in a two seater near the front when Chan joins him. They’re quiet again for most of the ride, but neither mind it. It’s the sort of silence one would welcome with open arms. Sometimes he wished he could just say something, but then he’d catch the look on Seungcheol’s face. A sort of peaceful look that only came with silences much like the ones they were often in, and he told himself it was okay. If he spoke any more than he did, the expression would shift and the moment would be ruined.

“You should start coming inside if you’re going to wait outside for me all the time,” Chan suggests as he gets up. Obediently, Seungcheol follows him off and they walk to the building together.

“What, like when you practice?” He asks, looking at Chan as though it had never crossed his mind to do it nevermind so much as ask. Chan replies with a nod of his head and then he’s pulling out his phone.

“It’s cold and we don’t want you getting sick — ” He’s interrupted as his brother answers. Turning a little, he looks up at the building as he speaks. “Jihoon hyung? Yeah. Yeah, we’re outside. Okay, see you in a bit.” Chan turns back to Seungcheol and he smiles. “He’ll be down shortly.”

“Okay.” 

When Jihoon joins them, he asks if Seungcheol would be fine walking or if he’d prefer a cab which quickly earns a sound of disapproval from Seungcheol who, with more enthusiasm than any of them expected, claims he’d be fine walking. So they do. 

Jihoon talks with Seungcheol the whole way and it’s sort of sweet. Their main topic is music and occasionally there’s a mention of movies in which Chan gets pulled into the conversation. 

When they get to the little restaurant, Jihoon has already disappeared ahead of them after spotting Minghao. 

As they walk in and take their seats, Chan just hopes the evening goes well.


	13. Chapter 13

They’ve already gotten through a whole table full of food. Seungcheol almost choked when Jihoon started ordering, eliciting a laugh out of Chan while Minghao handed over a glass of water. When he apologised, there was the smallest of smiles as Seungcheol looked at him through narrowed eyes. 

“You two have been together for a while then?” Seungcheol asks when they’ve finished ordering and Jihoon and Minghao immediately go into a conversation of their own; it wasn’t something they did often in public when they were with more than one person though; just with each other. Chan thought it was sweet. 

Jihoon turns his head to Minghao and this smile crosses his face. He looks back at Seungcheol as he replies, “Today marks six years.”

That certainly gets Chan thinking; six years. Their mom got sick around the time Minghao and Jihoon started dating and Chan was finishing off school and starting college. He remembers little moments, but hearing them say this out loud, he hadn’t truly realized it had been that long.

Seungcheol releases a low whistle. “Wow,” he murmurs, eyes fixated on the two in front of him. “That’s long.”

“We’ve known each other longer,” Minghao states softly as he leans back into his seat. He’s sitting in that way that he does where it certainly appears as though he owned everything. 

“Congratulations on six years,” Seungcheol says with a smile. He leans on his elbow as he watches them quietly. There’s something there, maybe in his face or the way he was looking at them, but it drew up emotions in Chan he never realized possible when looking at someone. He seemed almost sullen despite his cheerful words. Chan wondered whether their six years reminded him of something as well. Something unpleasant. He wouldn’t ask though. Certainly not now while they celebrated together. Certainly not minutes before the plan. 

Halfway into the mean, Minghao excuses himself and Chan pulls out his phone. After months of discussion and planning and possible ideas, they concluded simple would be best; as simple as Minghao could be. He returns moments later, expression serious. Jihoon’s brow creases in worry and he opens his mouth to say something, but

Minghao takes in a deep breath.

Jihoon looks about ready to cry.

Chan is recording.

Minghao props onto one knee, pulling out a box and he hasn’t said anything, but Jihoon is already nodding. He’s close to tears, hand covering his mouth and after closer inspection, Chan realizes that he’s shaking. He never was one for public displays, but sometimes it was worth it (he said so himself) and more often than not, something he couldn’t avoid with his job and everything. So, yeah. This would definitely be an exception. 

“Lee Jihoon,” Minghao starts, but he stops himself, hand flying to cover his mouth as he lowers his head. Composing himself. The whole restaurant is watching in anticipation; the air is clouded with it. There’s the soft sound of breathing and then Minghao is looking up and his lips quirk. “Lee Jihoon, my dearest, will you marry”

“Yes!” Jihoon says quickly. Minghao laughs as he covers his mouth.

“Will you marry me?”

Jihoon is out of his seat, embracing Minghao and Chan suspects that he’s crying as he holds onto his boyfriend. There’s a soft murmur before Jihoon pulls away, the softest of smiles decorating his face as he nods.

“Of course,” he whispers. “Of course, I will.”

The restaurant applauds as Minghao puts the ring on Jihoon’s finger and the moment they sit down, he’s looking at Chan. “Did you know?”

“What gave you that idea?” he asks, feigning ignorance, but Jihoon has somehow caught on so there’s no way he’s backing down now. 

“You did,” he murmurs. With a look to Minghao, his forehead creases. “How long have you been planning this?”

“Do you want me spoiling it?” Jihoon immediately shakes his head.

The rest of supper goes surprisingly quietly. Occasional conversations occur and they’re about to head home when Minghao and Chan stop him. There was more to their little anniversary together that Jihoon didn’t know about. He appeared confused, but with a last look at Chan, just made him promise to be safe. 

“So you’re going to be home alone?”

“Yeah,” Chan replies softly as they walk together to catch the last bus. He was oh so happy that the plan worked out well; even more so that the two were  _ finally _ going to get married. He’d been watching their little chalants around each other and the constant avoidance of the topic had often been told to Chan who had somehow become the middleman in their relationship. While they consulted any disputes or problems or hurdles they faced, when it came to topics they never covered with each other, Chan was their go-to. He was beyond happy for them. 

“That sucks,” Seungcheol replies curtly.

“It was planned way back. Plus, I should be okay.”

“As long as you’re okay.”

Before they get to Seungcheol’s stop, Chan grabs onto the material of his jacket and only tightens his grip around the material, but he keeps his gaze set out of the window. He hears the way Seungcheol shifts and he can feel his gaze on him. Before he can tighten his grip, he takes a breath; he doesn’t want to hurt him or anything.

“My stop is coming up soon,” Seungcheol says, but he’s not even trying to move away. He sits one way.

“Do you need to head back tonight?” Chan asks abruptly, turning around and freezing. They’re inches apart and Seungcheol’s breath is warm considering the cold of the evening that has wrapped itself around them. They’re dressed warmly enough, but it doesn’t mean they can’t feel it. 

“Why?” Seungcheol asks, but he’s already smiling like he knows why. And he does. Chan is certain of it. So, instead of responding, he releases the hold on Seungcheol and looks back out of the window just as they’re passing the stop. He makes no move to stop the bus, not until they’re at Chan’s stop and climbing off together.

“Do you not like being home alone?”

“I’m used to it,” Chan says earnestly. “Jihoon would get home late sometimes so I had to get used to it.” Tucking his hands into his pockets, he breathes into the air, watching as clouds of his breath form. “Just because I’m used to it doesn’t mean I like it,” he whispers.

They’re silent as they’re walking and then, so softly that he almost misses it, he hears Seungcheol’s reply. 

“No, no it doesn’t.”


	14. Chapter 14

Chan doesn’t sleep. Instead, he’s watching a movie ( _footloose_ , because he really felt like dancing but he couldn’t; not now so this was the next best thing) in the living room with all the lights off and nothing but a cup of coffee in his hands.

He tried to fall asleep, but for some reason, it wasn’t working. Which annoyed him because he _needed_ to sleep. However, rather than fighting the two hours in which he debated what to do, he figured a movie could put him to sleep. He first checked to make sure the door was locked and that all the windows were shut.

Jihoon messaged him informing him that he would be staying over at Minghao’s, as if he didn’t already know that. Chan responded with an emoji (which got a response from Jihoon who insisted he go to sleep right then; Chan responded with the angel emoji) and then shut off his phone. No point in it being on; it would only distract him. And he’s halfway in when his ears perk at the sound of footsteps pattering against the floor. He turns around as Seungcheol walks over quietly and somehow, he looks like hell. Of course this isn’t meant in a bad way. Compared to earlier, he looks so much more exhausted; dark circles are shaded under his eyes and his hair is a mess. Somehow, he looks paler than he did earlier, and it worries Chan. Just a bit. As his focus draws away from appearance, he sees the sluggish step in Seungcheol’s walk, like he was actually struggling.

“What are we watching?” he asks curtly, sitting down beside Chan and pulling some of the blanket over his legs. He crosses his arms over his chest as he leans his head back and then his gaze flickers over to Chan as he waits for a response. He looks eerily serious right now; not the serious you get when there is a topic that _needs_ discussion, but the kind of serious that just came natural. Resting-serious face.

“What are you doing up?” Chan retorts softly. “You look exhausted.”

He nods. Once and then another nod follows. “I am,” he murmurs softly, Chan almost misses it. “I took my medication and it keeps me up for a few hours,” he explains, eyes glued to the television.

“I see,” he murmurs. He doesn’t know what else to say, so they sit just like that.

“What movie is this?” Seungcheol asks again as he watches the scene where the main guy runs off and is having a whole montage dance scene to get out all his frustrations, which Chan could relate to. Not that he got frustrated often, but just the fact that when he did, the sudden urge to dance it all away came to him was enough to be able to relate to the main guy.

“Footloose. You’ve never seen it?” he queries in disbelief and watches as Seungcheol’s brows furrow.

“Not this one,” he replies. Chan considers for a moment and then he picks the remote up, rewinding it to the very beginning before he settles into his spot beside him. They watch the movie in silence, with occasional glances in each other’s direction and then pretending they didn’t just do that or that they hadn’t noticed.

When the movie is over, they decide to choose another one instead of trying to sleep (though they promise each other this is the last one before they try to), Seungcheol going through the stack of DVDs as Chan heads to the kitchen to make popcorn, grabbing his cup on the way.

“So, can I ask you something?” he asks, after a long moment of consideration. He turns on the kettle and gets the cups. Seungcheol is seated by the counter with the movie of his choice when Chan turns around and he’s looking at him in a way that Chan knows is him granting permission to ask away.

“Why aren’t you doing chemo?”

Silence cuts the air sharply. Seungcheol isn’t looking at him and Chan so badly wants to make him look up. It’s like his question brought a dark cloud over them and he wishes so badly that he hadn’t asked. But it’s too late to go back now. The kettle goes off, but he doesn’t move.

“I was,” he informs.

“But you stopped?”

“In a way.” He’s so vague, but he doesn’t really blame Seungcheol. He doubts he’d be so open about it if he were in his position. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I just…” He trails off, fiddling with his hands and Chan just watches, not wanting to say anything in fear of interrupting this moment. Of shattering the fierce moment. And he didn’t want Seungcheol to stop talking. He releases a shaky breath and he looks up, lips quirking, but it’s not a smile. It’s this twisted, almost pained expression as he says, “I’ve stopped responding to the chemotherapy.”

And fuck.

Chan doesn’t know what to say.

He doesn’t know what to do.

He just— _fuck_ —because that’s bad. He _knows_ it's bad.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Seungcheol adds quickly. “It’s just the truth and—”

“I’m processing,” he says abruptly. “I’m processing because I know what you’ve said and I know that no response to chemo is a negative sign and I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” he rushes out.

Seungcheol looks startled. His expression shifts soon enough and this time, he’s smiling. Really smiling. “Chan?”

“Y- Yeah?”

“I’m going to be okay,” Seungcheol promises. Almost like he could read Chan’s mind. He stands up before Chan can respond and he comes around to the other side of the counter, pulling Chan into a hug. “So don’t worry.”

Oh, he’ll still worry. He hopes more than anything that it’s not an empty promise; that Seungcheol still has a long life ahead of him. He knows it’s false hope, but he grasps tightly onto that thread of hope as he pulls away and smiles at Seungcheol who then starts making the coffee.

They go inside and sit down again. Seungcheol’s movie choice was, believe it or not, _A star is born_ , which Chan immediately groaned at. He enjoyed the movie, but watching something so sad at early hours of the morning just seemed to hit completely different.

All throughout, Chan finds himself unable to focus. All he can think about is Seungcheol and the possibility of him still being around for a long time. He couldn’t put into words how much he hoped that would be the case.

They watch and watch and watch until they’ve passed out on the couch, the only sounds left being their breathing and the ending credits to the movie.


	15. Chapter 15

Their practice goes smoothly. Leedo, Ungjae, Hyunjin and him took turns standing in front to assess the dance and point out anything they needed to go over again. They did it verse by verse until the chorus when Leedo called an end to the two hour practice. He had another appointment he needed to get to. 

“Good work, guys,” Leedo cheers. “Tomorrow again, right?”

“Tomorrow,” Hyunjin confirms. 

Chan nods and makes his way to the other side of the room. He grabs his bag and extends a hand out to Seungcheol who shopped up in the first half an hour of their practice who insisted they continue while he took a seat among the bags. He pulls him to his feet and is handed his jacket which he tugs on and they make their way out.

“So, what did you think?” Chan queries. When he caught Seungcheol’s gaze between each verse, Seungcheol would be watching intently; it felt like they were being pre-examined which nobody had a problem with. It helped with their preparation which led Hyunjin to ask if he could invite his boyfriend tomorrow and Ungjae doing the same. Leedo confirmed it, saying he would invite his friends the day after. Adding two with each practice. Seungcheol purses his lips in thought.

“It was really good,” he replies after a moment. He looks over and his lips quirk up. “You guys are getting better at it.”

“How would you know if we’ve changed from our first practice?” Chan queries, smiling. It was a genuine question, but at the same time, he was trying to catch Seungcheol out. However, he fails. He already knows before Seungcheol replies albeit impressively (but you didn’t hear that from Chan.)

“Please,” he says. “You guys grinned halfway through and even more so at the end. You looked so pleased with yourselves,” he states. The way he says it has Chan second guessing himself. Were they too proud? He suddenly felt like he should try and suppress it. He has no idea why, but the thought is in his mind before he can stop it. He’s nudged gently in the side causing him to look up in alarm, just in time to catch the soft look in Seungcheol’s eyes.

“I think you guys have every right to be proud,” he states firmly. 

“You mean that?” He asks, just wanting extra confirmation. Though with the way Seungcheol smiles right now, he has no reason to doubt how sure he really was. 

“I really do,” he replies, falling a step behind as they walk into a coffee shop. Seungcheol chooses the seat while Chan orders. He slides into the booth seat beside Seungcheol and offers a small smile.

“They’ll bring our orders in five minutes.”

“Okay, awesome.” There’s a pause. His gaze is elsewhere which makes Chan wonder. About Seungcheol, that is. Someone as sweet and soft as him being so secretive; of course he understood. He just wished he could understand more than he already does. It was like they could have a conversation about Seungcheol and Chan would go home with only two facts. He said what he needed to say; nothing more and nothing less. He knew him, but he didn’t.

“You know where we should go next time,” Seungcheol says suddenly, effectively pulling Chan out of his thoughts. “An amusement park.”

“You want to go to an amusement park?”

“Don’t you?”

He pauses. In all honesty, he did. He’s always wanted to go to an amusement park, but up until now, he still hasn’t been. Which he never questioned. He just accepted it as is and went on with everything around him. So the idea was more than just a bit tempting. He nods his head once. 

“I do,” he admits aloud. Seungcheol is already smiling before he’s finished his sentence. 

“So, how about after practice two days from now, we make a trip to go there?” He suggests. There’s a sparkle in his eye as he speaks about this, like he absolutely needs to go. But why? Why is he trying to rush it, is all that Chan could think about. Just the other day, he promised he wasn’t going anywhere; that he would stick around for a long time. Yet here he was, making suggestions which contradicted those very thoughts. Despite these thoughts, Chan doesn’t dare say no. He wouldn’t. Not even if they existed elsewhere, in other circumstances.

“Sounds like a great idea.”

Their number is called, cutting their conversation off. Chan collects it and they leave together quietly, walking to the bus stop. 

“What do you want to do exactly?” Seungcheol asks before he takes a sip of his drink. “Like, career wise,” he adds after so that Chan doesn’t misunderstand. For which he is grateful; he wasn’t sure what the question was asking. 

“I want to become a famous dancer,” he replies smoothly. “Or a dance instructor. Maybe be part of a group. Make history, you know?”

Seungcheol’s lips quirk. “Make history?”

Unphased, Chan explains further. “I want to be remembered. Have my name be said so that people respond with ‘oh, yes, him. He was really cool’. Like Michael Jackson, you know? His music is still loved to this day; his dance moves are remembered.” He doesn’t know why he’s still speaking, but he is. The words are just spewing out of him. Maybe because it’s Seungcheol or maybe because he’s never told anyone this. “I want people to remember me long after I’ve died and I want to have made it into the hearts of people. For them to consider what I did worth remembering.” He pauses, glancing at Seungcheol before continuing. “So yes, I want to make history. To mean something to the world.”

They’re silent after that, coming to a stop near a group of people. The next bus will be around soon which means Chan has to call a cab soon. Jihoon and him were going out tonight. Just the two of them for the first time in a long time. His heartbeat is heavy in his chest; Seungcheol still hasn’t said anything. Not even when the bus pulls up. Not even when he climbs on. Making him wonder if saying all of that had been a mistake. 

He doesn’t move. His eyes follow Seungcheol as he finds his seat and Chan is about to turn around and head somewhere else to call a cab when the bus window is opened.

“I think you’ll achieve that dream,” Seungcheol says abruptly and when Chan looks, there’s this bright smile across his face. “You’re going to make history, Lee Chan. I promise you that.” With a final wave, the window shuts right as the final passenger gets on and the bus drives off.

And Chan stands unmoving on the sidewalk. Absolutely speechless. 


	16. Chapter 16

When Chan comes out of practice, Seungcheol isn’t there. When he hadn’t showed up between their breaks, he thought he was just late. Perhaps even waiting outside. So, yeah, he’s just a little disappointed to come outside and find nobody there. 

Ungjae and Leedo greet him as they disappear in the direction of the subway. Chan takes a seat on the steps. He doesn’t want to leave in the event that Seungcheol is late. Though now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t heard from Seungcheol for the past two days either. He’s been surprisingly quiet. Chan ended up calling the hospital only to be connected to random patients, which he didn’t mind. He hadn’t called in so long that he spent just a little more time on the phone with them. Otherwise, he checked his messages every now and again (more so than he would like to admit) in case Seungcheol chose to message. Unfortunately that was not the case.

Jihoon messages him, but before he can look at the actual message, his phone rings and oh  _ fuck _ , he thinks, as Seungcheol’s name pops onto his screen. There’s a sudden rush of nerves as he fumbles to swipe the accept the call.

“ _ Hey, you _ ,” he greets softly, his voice coming off scratchier than usual. “ _ Are you done with practice? _ ” he asks and a jolt of concern waves through Chan as His pronunciation and just the way that he’s talking comes off listless. 

“Yeah,” he murmurs in reply. “We finished up not too long ago.”

There’s a few coughs, a little distant as if he’s moved the phone away from his face. Clearing his throat, he releases a sigh into the speaker. “ _ I’m sorry. For calling so late but I don’t think I can make it. _ ”

“Is everything okay?” Is the first thing that leaves his mouth. His concern is plausible; Seungcheol being ever so quiet the past two days and then saying he can’t make it is concerning. Something bad might have happened for all he knew.

He chuckles, low and rough, and then stops. “ _ I’m just not doing too well _ ,” he explains. “ _ So we’ll have to postpone it. I’m really sorry. I know you were looking forward to it _ .”

“I’m sorry too,” Chan responds. He’s not thinking, just speaking. “But we can do it next time. Like you said. So, don’t worry, okay? Just work on resting and getting better.” Even to himself, he sounds like a child clinging to a hope he can’t even find. His tone itself is pleading. 

The relief that sags his body when Seungcheol speaks is unbelievable. “ _ Next time for sure. Until then, I’ll work on getting better. And you better work on practicing. _ ”

“What?”

“ _ It’s soon, isn’t it? The concert. _ ”

“Oh. Yeah, no, it is — ”

“ _ Practice hard. You got this. _ ” He stops speaking, the faint murmur of voices in the background audible to Chan in that moment. Then, it's Seungcheol speaking. First, to the voices in the background, and then to him. “ _ I have to go, but good luck, Channie. _ ” The call ends before he can respond.

And Chan is smiling. Seungcheol never called him that before, and he doesn’t mind it. But more importantly, Seungcheol believed in him. Which is an exceptional feeling. 

Checking Jihoon’s message, he responds and pulls himself to a stand. Calling for a cab, he recites the address and soon enough, they’re pulling to the side where he can see his brother on the sidewalk, waiting. 

“Have you eaten today, hyung?” He questions, shutting the door after paying the driver. Jihoon looks up at him in surprise which soon morphs into a gentle smile. 

“I haven’t. We can go get something now,” he replies softly, tugging at Chan’s sleeve the way he did when they were younger, and less often as they got older. He doesn’t let go until they’ve discussed their options and decide on where to go; a little restaurant that offered various things. It was their best bet considering they haven’t decided what they would actually like to eat yet. 

“How was work?”

He catches the smile on Jihoon’s face before he answers. “It was good,” he affirms. “Bumzu hyung and I started working on a song together.”

“Oh. It’s been a while since you guys have done that right?” He vaguely remembers Bumzu. He was the one who helped Jihoon a lot when he started composing; assisted and let Jihoon run with the ideas he had. They had one collaboration, but that was it. Chan hasn’t seen him since then. “You must be looking forward to it.”

“I am,” he admits. “I like working with him. We run ideas off each other and try out different things while staying in the sound we both want. Which is similar. So yeah. I’m a little excited.” Though he’s careful with his words, Chan can tell how excited he really is. 

When his gaze flickers over to Chan, however, he freezes for some reason. “Chan, can I ask you something?” Sudden. Abrupt. Every synonym that could describe this moment pops into his head. Then, he has to compose himself because why is he suddenly nervous? Surely it wasn’t something bad. He’d  _ know _ if it were something bad. Chan nods his head for Jihoon to go ahead. “What’s going on with you and Seungcheol?”

The question catches him off guard; out of every possibility in his head, he hadn’t been expecting that one. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you have any sort of feelings for him — ”

“Hyung,” Chan intercedes immediately. “I’m not gay. I’m not attracted to guys or anything. Seungcheol and I are friends. Just friends.”

His eyes narrow, eyes analyzing Chan’s face. They avert just as quickly. 

“Alright,” Jihoon says. “If you say you’re friends, you’re friends.” He pauses, like he wants to say something else, but he’s thinking it through. Turning to look at Chan again, his brows furrow. “Were you guys not going somewhere today?”

“We were supposed to go to the amusement park. He called to cancel. Said he isn’t feeling well.”

“I see.” Another pause. “Where did you guys meet again? I don’t think I ever asked.”

Chan bites at the inside of his lip. “He was one of the patients I was connected to,” he replies after a moment. “I got connected to him twice and then he started calling me.”

The way Jihoon’s expression shifts as he realizes what it means is astounding. One second he’s got this gentle and genuine expression and the next, he looks both alarmed and surprised. 

“You mean to say — ”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what cancer he has? What stage?”

Chan just shakes his head. In all honesty, he never asked because he didn’t want to know. He still doesn’t want to know because if he knows, he’ll be able to deduce the approximate length of time left. He wanted to continue holding onto the hope that was held out in front of him.

“He’s not responding to chemo anymore,” Chan whispers. 

“Oh, Chan. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It wasn’t my place to tell,” he says. “He said he’ll stick around for long.” 

They stand there, in the middle of the street and only a few blocks away from the place they were going to. They stand there, face to face, as Jihoon pulls him into a hug. He doesn’t say anything; doesn’t offer false promises or assurances. Just hugs him. 

“I don’t want to lose him.” His voice cracks. Wrapping his arms around Jihoon, he hugs him tightly. Clinging. As if this would keep Seungcheol around for a longer time period. As if it will miraculously make him better. Chan knows it won’t; that’s when the dread first settled in. He may actually lose Seungcheol.

Jihoon strokes his head. “I know, Chan,” he whispers. “I know.”


	17. Chapter 17

Nervousness cannot begin to describe the way that Chan feels.

They’ve been practicing consistently ever since they got this assignment and now it was here. The day of their performance. His heart was rapid in his chest and it took everything in him to keep from going to the bathroom and throwing up.

They’re in the dance studio getting ready; Leedo, Ungjae and him sit against the mirror, watching as the others get ready. Hyunjin hurries in, bowing in apology. “It’s all good,” Leedo assures as he pushes himself up to a stand. “Let’s get ready.”

They were the second last performance, so they still had time. They didn’t change until the third group was called out. Until then, they practiced. At least once. They didn’t want to practice and wear themselves out nor did they want to practice now and mess up on the stage.

When they’re called up, Chan is shaking.

Ungjae leads them out; they take their positions and the music starts. Their dance starts and he’s shaking. He’s body is shaking, but he’s not stiff. In actual fact, he’s moving smoothly. He keeps the song in mind, keeps the beat in check and occasionally, he catches Leedo or Ungjae’s eye and they smile. They’re keeping up; keeping to the beat and he struggles to keep from smiling because _fuck_ , he loves it. The freedom that dancing brings him. The lights have faded, the people in the crowd aren’t even there as Chan moves.

He passes Hyunjin who moves to the center; the rest of them stand still. While he’s moving, Chan starts moving and then Leedo steps in and Ungjae follows and they’re almost done, but he doesn’t want to stop.

When they do, Chan holds his breath. It isn’t until they pull out of their group pose and are bowing that he allows himself to breathe heavily.

Leedo pulls Ungjae into a hug while Hyunjin and Chan are cheering; they do a group fist bump back in the dance room and in an instant, they’re separated again. Leedo goes off to find his group of friends while Hyunjin murmurs something about meeting up with his boyfriend. Ungjae offers him a final greeting before disappearing out of the room and it’s just him and a bunch of the other dancers.

The music is faint from this room, so when he hears the music fade and the murmur of the host’s voice, he grabs his bag and leaves the room. It’s as he’s making his way to the front of the building that he spots Jihoon and Minghao, whose presence was no surprise. The biggest surprise is the person beside them, dressed in a polo neck and the same jeans Chan saw him wear almost every other day.

There’s the biggest smile across Seungcheol’s face when he spots Chan.

Despite his clear excitement, it's Jihoon who approaches first. “That was amazing, Channie.” He’s smiling and Chan is soon smiling as well. It’s the fatherly smile that Chan hasn’t seen in a while and he can surely say how wonderful it is being on the other side of it again. It’s almost as satisfying as their performance going so well. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Thank you, hyung.” He embraces his brother tightly and yeah, he’s still shaking; _he_ can feel it in the hug, so he can’t imagine how much Jihoon can feel it. He almost pulls away, but Jihoon pulls him back.

“You did _so_ well, Chan,” he whispers.

“Thank you, hyung.”

When they pull apart, he’s embraced by Minghao and then Seungcheol follows the moment he pulls away. And he’s still not used to it; to Seungcheol hugging him. He’s not used to it, but he really likes it. It’s like being hugged by a teddy bear; not the amount of teddy bear that there is but just in a way that the softness and comfort would be equally the same.

“So, are we ready to go?” Jihoon asks when they’ve pulled away.

“Going where?”

“Supper,” Jihoon responds at the same time that Minghao lifts his fist into the hair.

“Celebration.”

And hell, he’s not complaining.

They go to this little restaurant around the corner that has the most amazing milkshakes; literally to die for and something Chan hasn’t had in forever. He never had the chance, especially since he and Seungcheol started hanging out. They always ended up a little further away from his usual spots, which he never minded. It was sort of like exploring and finding new places to like (or dislike. Though with the memories they’ve made, he definitely can’t imagine disliking any of the places.)

Minghao and Jihoon slide into the one side of the booth near the back and closer to the windows (the place had them running along both sides; the front and to the right side of the place.) Seungcheol allows Chan to slide in first and follows a moment later.

“So, tell me mister dancer, what was it like?” Minghao asks while Jihoon looks through the menu. There’s this knowing smile on his face, but he pretends not to notice.

“It was…” he trails off, struggling to find the words to use. He looks up at the ceiling, biting at the inside of his lip as he tries to find a word in the sea of thoughts. His gaze flickers back to Minghao as the corners of his lips tug up. “It was sensational. Beyond words.”

“If you had to say it in less than ten words,” Seungcheol fires.

Chan doesn’t hesitate this time. “It felt like I belonged there. On stage. Dancing. Every single moment. It was beyond sensational.”

“What’s even better,” Jihoon starts, lowering the menu and passing it to Minghao before continuing. “Is that you looked like you belonged there. You fit, Chan. Not just _with_ those people, but on the stage.” There’s a pause, like he’s thinking over his words and with the way he clasps his hands together, Chan knows that he is. He exhales softly. “I haven’t seen you that happy since mom was around,” he murmurs softly and hell, Chan wants to hug him. Jump over the table and pull him into a hug, but that would be insane. He’d look insane. So instead, he presses his hands together tightly and then, he reaches out and places them on Jihoon’s, squeezing lightly. It’s all he can think to do.

“You know I have—”

“I know,” Jihoon interrupts quickly. “I wasn’t saying that you haven’t. Just that this time, you weren’t holding it all back. You never once looked guilty up there.” He stops to squeeze Chan’s hands once again. “Mom would be _so_ proud of you, Channie.”

“Thank you,” Chan whispers. And he means it. For once, he doesn’t feel sad speaking about their mom; he doesn’t feel like crying big sad tears. He wants to cry, but it's most definitely happier tears. Somehow he can just tell.

The waiter comes to their table and takes their orders and as he looks around the table, he can’t hold back the smile. There are so few people, and yet, he couldn’t have asked for a better bunch to be celebrating this moment with. 


	18. Chapter 18

He has the day off. For the first time in what feels like forever.

When the information was passed onto Seungcheol (through his brother, somehow), he was called instantaneously, claiming that this was the perfect time to make up for the amusement park outing they hadn’t gotten a chance to go on the last time. Chan being Chan couldn’t even think about declining the idea. Hell, he didn’t; he wanted to spend more time with Seungcheol. As much as possible. It felt like something he needed to do; his gut was telling him there was not a moment to lose.

That’s how he got where he is. Standing outside the hospital and tugging at his hair as he waits for Seungcheol to come outside.

“Good morning,” Seungcheol greets from behind. Chan turns around and his lips quirk up into a greeting of his own.

As usual, Seungcheol has on the denim jacket. He’s dressed warmly; something Chan actually prepared himself for this time. He’s got this baseball cap on his head that tugs his hair down and yeah, Chan never realized how long his hair was until right now with the way it stops just above his eyes (hell, you can’t even see his eyebrows unless you’re _really_ looking.)

“Are you ready?”

When he looks up, he realizes that he’d zoned out and Seungcheol had already started walking. Turning around, he hurries over to his side and they make their way to the bus stop together.

“Have you ever been?” Chan asks as they get on. They take seats closer to the back this time; the amusement park was closer to one of the last stops so it would just make it easier. Seungcheol looks at him, as if his question was just that absurd.

“When I was little,” he replies, taking the question more seriously than he had appeared to when hearing it. “Our parents took us. My brother and I. The first thing we did was go on the ferris wheel.” There’s a twinkle in his eye; like he’s looking directly at this memory, with his lips curving and his face morphing into a look of pure solemness. Even Chan could tell how much he treasured the memory.

Rather than saying anything, he allows Seungcheol to soak the moment up. Which he does. Just as quickly, he pulls himself out of it and his eyes dart over to him. “What about you?” he asks, which catches him off guard. It reminds him of the first time they called and Seungcheol had asked him if he was okay instead of it going the other way around. “Have you ever been?”

Hesitantly, he shakes his head. “No.”

“No? Not ever?”

“Never,” he replies. He presses his hands into his legs. “We just never got a chance, I guess.” He keeps it to that; no extra words, nothing. Plain and simple. Not wanting to explain further, he turns to look out of the window. After a moment, a hand brushes up against his own and then, clasps it gently, effectively earning Chan’s attention as he whips his head around.

“We’ll make this an experience you’ll never forget,” Seungcheol informs brightly. So brightly, Chan is willing to believe him; who wouldn’t believe someone so radiant?

“Definitely,” he affirms softly. Seungcheol doesn’t let go of his hand and Chan doesn’t say anything. They sit that way for the rest of the ride, only pulling apart to get out.

Seungcheol pays for the tickets, despite his protests and tugs him along, firing question after question on where to go. Chan insisted they leave the ferris wheel for last, so Seungcheol picks a ride that has his feet curling. The line is short and the people on it are screaming. It looks like a monster of a rollercoaster. Subconsciously, he tugs on Seungcheol’s hand.

It’s not so bad. Not as bad as he thought; not bad enough to scream bloody murder at the top of his lungs, but enough for him to scream (though that’s mostly out of excitement. He thinks.) Most of the time, when everyone else starts lifting their hands in the air, he grabs onto Seungcheol’s; no way in hell is he going to put his hands in the air. He’d rather keep his head attached to his body and not fall out halfway through.

He can barely stand straight as they climb off. Despite his clear amusement (and obvious laughter directed at Chan), Seungcheol holds out an arm so he can grip it. He feels like someone in need of a wheelchair.

“Was that fun?” He hasn’t finished laughing yet.

After a moment of consideration, he chokes out, “Yeah. Wonderful.”

“I choose to ignore your sarcasm,” he states aloud as he leads them to a bench nearby. The place is _full_. There are so many people; one or two bumping into his legs until he has no choice other than to pull them to his chest. Seungcheol tells him he looks like a grade schooler, but he’s not sure if it’s a compliment or not.

After a few moments of sitting, he allows himself to stand and they go on a few more rides; ones not as intense or remotely shaky than the first one. They even go in one that’s meant for younger kids. Seungcheol calls it the teacups and it may actually be called that considering the seats were shaped as teacups. Only once do they take a break and that’s so they can go to the bathroom and, in the end, go to a little place that has large, individual pizza slices and fries.

“The ferris wheel next?” he asks as Chan checks his phone; he leaves his brother a message and tucks it back into his pocket.

“Sounds good,” he replies between a bite of his slice. Finishing up, they toss their dirt and make their way to the line for the ferris wheel. Seungcheol speaks adamantly and enthusiastically about the cotton candy they absolutely _had_ to get after the ride. With all the enthusiasm, it was difficult to say no.

The ride is so much slower than he anticipated and yet somehow, he enjoyed it. Most certainly more than the first ride (sue him for comparing every ride they went on to the first one and yeah, all of them beat the first one.) Side by side, there’s hardly any space between them; perhaps not even enough for air to pass through.

The higher they get, the less space there seems to be between them. And he suddenly can’t breathe. They’re so damn high and he can feel the warmth of Seungcheol’s breath against his face and they’re both holding onto each other and everything is fine. Everything is okay. It’s all okay.

Until the world stops.

For one of the single most longest moments of his life, the world stops. Because he doesn’t remember when he turned his head nor how their faces had gotten so close to each other and he can’t breathe; he chooses not to take another breath. For that long moment.

It just shatters.

Seungcheol leans forward.

Their lips are touching.

Chan isn’t moving.

Inches apart, and Seungcheol’s eyes closed, he notices how long his eyelashes are; they decorate his face so softly. And fuck fuck _fuck_ _—_ Fuck, because he’s shaking and he can’t stop.

Fuck because without thinking, he carefully pushes Seungcheol away while recalling their circumstances.

Fuck because when his eyes open, there’s the most heartbroken, most heart shattering expression across Seungcheol’s face.

And _fuck_ , because he’s not shutting up.

“Wh—What do you think you’re doing?” Chan stammers, breaking the silence in a heartbeat. Seungcheol isn’t saying anything. He needs to _say_ something, but he sits there quietly, watching Chan who can’t stop himself from speaking. “I don’t—” He stops and takes a shakily breath. Shaking his head roughly, he tries again. “I’m not—I’m not gay. I don’t like you,” he says and then softer, “Not—Not like that.”

He can’t feel his chest much less his heart, except that that’s the one thing he can feel, beating so hard against his chest, he imagines his rib cage bruising.

Still, Seungcheol doesn’t say anything. Not even when they’re getting off and Chan hates himself. At that moment, there is nobody he hates more than himself because Seungcheol isn’t even smiling anymore.

The rain hits out of nowhere and he and Seungcheol stand there in extended silence.

And then he breathes. He _speaks_. “I’m sorry—” he starts, but Chan is shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t do that to you—”

“Chan, it’s okay—”

“Bullshit!” His words leave his lips before he can think them through. “It’s not okay. And I’m not going to do that to you, Seungcheol.”

A wounded look crosses his face. Whether it’s at the name or what he’s said, he could never be sure. But he doesn’t stay to find out. He turns around and he starts walking. Seungcheol is a step behind him, until they’re at the bus stop and he continues walking. Seungcheol doesn’t; he can’t because the bus pulls up and Chan runs on, only stopping when he’s gotten far enough that he knows Seungcheol wouldn’t follow if he could.

For another long moment, he stands there in the rain, until he calls for a cab. As he climbs in, the driver turns to him.

“Is everything alright?”

“Peachy,” Chan stammers, tugging his hood over his head and relaying the address. He doesn’t wipe at his face because it will only be a reminder that most of the reason that it’s wet is because of his tears more so than the rain. He hands the driver the money when they get to his stop and he hates himself.

When he walks into the apartment, Jihoon is on his feet and Chan is a crumbling mess in seconds.

He hates himself so much, and he can’t even pinpoint the exact reason. 


	19. Chapter 19

It's been days and he can't stop thinking about it. Put a gun to his head and ask if he regretted his reaction or the kiss, he'd be a dead man.

Jihoon pestered him after the first week. He managed to brush it away and avoid the questions, but when things weren't getting better and the lack of Seungcheol's presence (and maybe the fact that every time the name was mentioned, Chan disappeared into a different room or tried to change the topic or just outright ignored it), Jihoon started putting two and two together. He wasn't dumb. In fact, he was one of the smartest people he knew. While that was a major factor, another factor that remained was Jihoon's lack of nosiness. Essentially meaning that he wanted Chan to tell him on his own.

His version of pestering was constant check-ins. Ranging from 'how are you's' to 'is everything okay'. Which, in any normal circumstance, he'd be able to manage. Though when he turned on his phone for the first time since that day only to be met with a bombarsion of messages and missed calls from Seungcheol, Chan couldn't keep his cool anymore.

He left his phone on the dresser, grabbed a jacket and stepped out. Looking over at Jihoon (who was on a break for the first time in what felt like years), he sighs. "Can we go somewhere?"

At the sound of his voice, Jihoon looked up. "Where to?" he asks, more politely than a brother should be speaking to their sibling.

"Anywhere that's not here." He starts to make his way to the door, but stops after a moment of consideration. "Please."

He waits outside for Jihoon who takes less than five minutes before he joins him. He spares a look in Chan's direction and, without a word, starts walking. Chan follows silently.

They call a cab, and it's not until they're pulling up to the curb that Chan knows where they are. Jihoon pulls out his wallet before Chan can get to his own and then they're climbing out.

"Hyung?"

"You haven't eaten today," Jihoon states as he walks on into the restaurant. It was the one they came to with Minghao and Seungcheol (when Minghao proposed.) It's been a while since then and for some reason, he feels a bit weird walking in. The place is empty; only two other tables are occupied and of course, somehow, they end up at the same table as back then.

For the longest time, they don't speak. Not until the waiter comes and takes their orders.

Jihoon shifts in his seat and when Chan looks up, their gazes lock. He hesitates; nothing needs to be said for him to know what it was Jihoon wanted to say.

"I'm sorry for abruptly wanting to come out," he starts. Choosing not to make eye contact, he stares at his hands, folding them together tightly. "I just, I don't know hyung."

"What makes you so uncertain, Channie?"

He hesitates. Does he really want to tell Jihoon? About what happened? About the way he reacted? Did he really want to tell his brother how unsure he was as to whether he regretted the kiss or his reaction?

Did he really want to tell him, and find out the truth?

"Jihoon hyung, can I ask you something?" There's a faint tremor in his voice; a quake that even he noticed and something he wasn't proud of. Why was he so nervous? Why, when he pressed his hands into his lap, could he not stop them from shaking? Why did it feel like he couldn't breathe?

"Of course," Jihoon replies, unphased. Of course he wouldn't be phased; he didn't know everything Chan was feeling. He could sit there and smile and not know how difficult this was for him.

"How did you know you were gay?"

Brows lifting, Jihoon looks taken aback, like that was the last question he had been expecting. Maybe it was. His expression morphs a second later into consideration and, unsurprisingly, he doesn't respond immediately.

"I just knew," he responds, a brief smile of embarrassment crossing his face before disappearing again; his forehead creases. "I want to tell you some amazing stories, but I just knew."

"When did you know, then?" Chan asks again and this time, Jihoon smiles and it doesn't disappear.

"When I met Minghao, actually." He pauses, tapping his fingers together as he recalls the moment. "We were friends, of course, but it never felt like we were _just_ friends. We hung out with each other more often than anyone else. Took trips together." The smile curves across his face and there's a glint in his eye; he looks happier than ever. "And then we kissed. He knew he liked me, but it wasn't until the kiss that I was certain it was something more. Though I suspected."

Chan listens intently. He's never heard this story before. It was always stories about their past, sure, but not once did either of them relay this story. And he wonders why not, because he could only imagine the look on their faces (and those shared looks they always gave each other) through the retelling. Jihoon treasured it, he could tell.

Their food arrives, and they eat in a tensioned silence. Their conversation had been cut off too soon and there were unspoken words hanging around in the air. When they're done, Chan pays the bill and they leave. Taking a walk down the street, he doesn't miss the looks Jihoon gives.

"What made you ask?"

"Mhm?"

"All of a sudden," Jihoon says. "What made you ask?"

"I was just wondering."

They take a walk and Jihoon asks if they could stop by Minghao's work. So, they go. Chan goes into a video store (because he figures they could hire some movies; he needed something other than _Step up_ ) while Jihoon goes into Minghao's workplace across the road.

For the most part, it's empty. The cashier guy greets him and he nods before disappearing to the back.

He's reading a blurb when he hears his name. Looking up, he's a little surprised to find Jimin and Yoongi. Jimin gives him a quick hug before disappearing two aisles over.

"He wants a musical," Yoongi explains when noticing Chan's expression. "What brings you here? You live nearby?"

"Sort of. My brother's visiting his fiance," Chan explains. He's about to go back to reading the blurb, but stops midway. Looking over at Yoongi, he furrows his brows. "Yoongi hyung?"

Brows lifting, Yoongi tilts his head. "Yeah? What's up?"

"How long have you and Jimin been together?"

He looks as surprised as Jihoon had, but he composes himself quickly enough. "About five years now."

Chan nods, pausing as he thinks over his next words. "And how did you know? That you, uh, liked him?"

Yoongi seems to understand and he doesn't miss a beat as he responds, "I was always into guys. I knew that for years. And when I met Jimin, well." He chuckles softly. "It's hard not to fall for him." Then, he locks eyes with Chan and nudges his head in a sort of pre-question. "What makes you ask?"

"I was just wondering."

"Says every person in denial ever," Yoongi shoots. "Did something happen?"

Chan stammers a response, shaking his head quickly. They both hear Yoongi's name called, most likely them leaving now. He starts to turn away, but stops in his steps. "Chan?"

"Yeah?"

"If something happened and that's why you're asking, I think your answer to your own question is pretty clear." With a lift of his hand, Yoongi waves and he disappears.

And maybe, just maybe, Yoongi is correct. _No_ , no. Not maybe. He's most definitely right.

He takes the _Honey_ movies and a musical (he didn't take note of the name) and hurries to leave. When he steps out of the store, Jihoon is waiting across the road. He takes the movies from Chan to look through them and see what he's chosen. They start walking, unsure of where to go next. Chan suggests they go home which catches Jihoon by surprise.

"I figured my stuff out," Chan murmurs sheepishly.

Jihoon smiles. "That's good."

"Hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Chan nods his head once, and he's smiling. "I think I like Seungcheol hyung."

Jihoon doesn't say anything at first, but his arm is around Chan's shoulder and they stop on the sidewalk. "I'm happy for you, Channie." And he means it; Chan can tell. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Jihoon calls them a cab.

When they get home, Chan can't get to his phone fast enough, ready to call Seungcheol; he doesn't want to wait. He wasted enough time tearing himself apart these last few days. However, when he swipes up, he notices three missed calls from the same number. He dials it back.

" _Chan? Is this Chan?"_

He doesn't recognize the voice. "Yeah, this is Chan."

" _It's Vernon. A friend of Seungcheol's."_

"Oh, hello." He sucks in a breath. "Is everything okay? I was actually just going to call him—"

" _Chan, you should come to the hospital. Quickly._ "

And hell, he doesn't need to be told twice. 


	20. Chapter 20

He can't breathe. He can't move. Or maybe he doesn't want to move.

Fuck the traffic and the stairs and every single unnecessary second that was wasted. He ran so fast up those steps; he almost didn't pay the cab driver in his hurry. When he got to the floor, only feet away from Seungcheol's room, the atmosphere darkened. His mood deflated and he cursed at himself. Vernon and his friend, Seungkwan, stood across the hall outside Vernon's room. The doctor stood in front of Seungcheol's door. There was beeping and murmurs coming from inside, but Chan didn't move.

"He's a friend of Seungcheol's." This time, he recognises Vernon's voice despite how far away it sounded. Chan wants to correct him; he's not a friend. He isn't supposed to be _just_ a friend. But he doesn't have that right. He'll never have that right.

The doctor, Wonwoo who he met the last time, stands in front of him. The clipboard is held limbly in his hands and through the circular glasses on his face, his gaze is set firmly on him. "I'm so sorry," are the first words that leave his lips and it takes all of his power not to crumble at the sound of them. It's taking every bit of effort in him to stay standing.

"I—Can I see him?" Chan manages to choke out.

Wonwoo looks ready to say no, but Vernon speaks up before he can. "Let him have a moment alone with him. It's the least you could do, doctor."

Wonwoo looks at him for a few moments and then he turns around, disappearing into the room. When he comes out, a man in nurse attire steps out, so much taller than Wonwoo himself. Another person steps out, in similar attire, and then Wonwoo is nodding at him. "You may go in," he says softly, treading carefully on his words.

The door closes behind him and for the first few moments, he isn't moving. He stands by the door, looking over at the bed where Seungcheol lays. And his breath catches in his throat.

For as long as they've known each other, Chan has never stepped foot in here. There's a poster on the wall; a band Chan recognises and beside it, a picture. Slowly, he allows himself to look over to Seungcheol again. The amount of wires connected to him has his heart skipping a beat.

He sits on the chair beside the bed. Reaching out, he intertwined their fingers and he can't grip or curl his hand. He can't make a fist and one look over and the tears are falling and he wants it to stop and he wants him to not look so pale and still and lifeless.

"I'm so sorry, Seungcheol hyung," Chan whispers shakily, lifting one of his hands to wipe at his face. "I'm sorry, I'm _so_ sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen," he wails. He's struggling for breaths. Struggling to suck in a breath between his sobs. "You were supposed to be around longer." Leaning forward, he rests his head against the edge of the bed, holding onto his hand and sobbing quietly to himself. Though, despite it being quiet, his sobs bounce against the walls. 

Eventually, he has to leave. There's nothing that can be said by anyone that will change that and he understands. Though before he can leave, Wonwoo stops him.

"This is from Seungcheol," he says, handing over an envelope which Chan accepts without comment. With a quiet thank you, he watches Wonwoo walk off down the hall. Looking down, he sees the messy handwritten version of his name that has his lips quirking at the corners. Without really thinking about it, he takes the elevator to the rooftop. The memory of their first meeting pops into his head as he walks over to the bench and takes a seat.

Bracing himself, he takes out the piece of paper covered in the same messy writing that was on the envelope. And he can't help but realize how he didn't know a lot about Seungcheol and yet somehow, he feels like he's known him forever.

**_Dear Chan (don't ask me why I'm starting with 'dear'. I went to school and that's how we were informed to write letters.)_ **

**_It's been a few days since our kiss and, well, I can't stop thinking about it. You see, I've liked you for a while, and for some reason, I thought you felt the same. I guess that's why I kissed you._ **

**_I want to apologise. For acting on those feelings without being sure._ **

**_And I want to apologise, because I don't regret it. In my next lifetime and many others, I will never regret it. All I regret is doing it when I did. If I hadn't, we could have spent more time together._ **

**_The thing is, I lied. And I know you know that I did._ **

**_I said I'd be around for a long time, but my days are coming to an end. I see the way the doctors look at me and honestly, I'm not stupid. I've picked it up myself. I'm getting worse by the day. I can't even go outside._ **

**_If I could, I'd have come to see you. So, don't think I wouldn't have._ **

**_I don't want to ramble, so I'll say this. The doctors who connected our calls because they thought I wasn't okay, they were right. I wasn't. I never told you this, but I'm telling you now._ **

**_I'm saying this because I want to thank you for giving me smiles and memories I'll never forget. Thank you for being the best person I could have met in my numbered days._ **

**_Before I say goodbye, one last thing. Don't blame yourself, okay? I see how you look when you talk about your mom. If you ever talk about me, do it with a smile on your face. It's the smile I fell for._ **

**_Be happy for me, okay? Show the world the best of you, and go and make history, Lee Chan. Make me proud._ **

**_Sincerely, and with much love_ **

**_Choi Seungcheol._ **

Ink runs along one of the lines as his tears wet the page and he's quick to wipe it away, sniffing softly and shaking his head.

"You're an idiot, Cheol. You shouldn't be apologising," he whispers softly. "I like you too, Choi Seungcheol. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that in time." He smiles, lifting his head to look at the sky.

"But I'll tell you now; you are one of the best people I have ever met," he says up to the sky. "And damn right, I'll make you proud."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With that folks, we come to the end of not only the chapter, but the story itself.
> 
> I just want to thank everyone who read, commented and supported this story. Your comments always left a smile on my face (also, sorry for the disappointing sad ending. I'll give them a happier ending if I get to write another ChanCheol fic!) Even if I didn't respond to your comments (because I'm a socially anxious fool who overthinks everything and worries I might not respond correctly), I enjoyed reading them for sure.
> 
> I don't have much else to say except thank you, so much. You guys are amazing and hopefully, I have a chance to see y'all in the notifications again with my next story ;)  
> (hint: it's a seventeen hoonhao pirate fic)
> 
> Enjoy your day further, everyone and one final, major thank you!


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